My mom came to visit during Gavin's second week of life. I was insistent that we not have house guests right away, because I wanted time to heal and start to establish a routine without other people around telling me what to do. And I'm really glad I decided to do that. Kevin and I were able to figure out the basics on our own, and by the time my mom showed up we had some stuff figured out.
The whole second week of Gavin's life was great. I was getting almost enough sleep (my mom stayed up with the screaming baby a couple of times, though I still had to get up to feed him and change his diapers). I was feeling good enough to go out and even start taking on some small chores like dishes and laundry. My mom and I went shopping a few times, for clothes for me and baby things. We went out to lunch twice and dinner once. Gavin and I even joined Kevin and Kina on their morning walk every day.
The whole week was great, and by the end of it I was ready to jump back into life. I was confident that I had this whole mom thing under control.
Wednesday, November 30, 2016
Tuesday, November 29, 2016
The First Week
The first week of Gavin's life was rough. He was born on Monday, and it was Friday before I managed to sleep for more than an hour at a time. On Tuesday night, I discovered the place beyond exhaustion where, even when Kevin woke up and took over, I spent the night sobbing instead of sleeping. It did nothing to help my situation, but there was nothing else I could do.
We were in the hospital until Wednesday morning. It was nice to be there, with nurses on call to help and other people taking care of nearly everything. Still, the room was small and people were constantly interrupting whenever I tried to take a nap. By Wednesday morning, I was more than ready to head home.
A lot of people say that in the car, on the way home from the hospital, they experience a moment of panic. The idea of taking care of another human being suddenly becomes overwhelming, and without the constant help of professionals they aren't sure they can do it. Kevin and I never experienced that moment. The truth is that while taking care of a newborn can't exactly be called easy, it is simple. Feed them when they're hungry, change them when they're wet, hold them when they cry. Then again, Kevin and I got a pretty easy baby. He's healthy and happy and really only fusses when he needs something.
That said, breast-feeding was initially a bit of a challenge. Gavin had trouble latching at first, because my boobs were too big for his mouth. The lactation consultant gave me a nipple shield, which helped immensely, though Gavin still seemed to be struggling to get enough food. He ate almost constantly, until my milk finally came in late Thursday evening/Friday morning. At that point he finally filled his stomach and I was able to get my first substantial chunk of sleep. Within another day, he was able to latch without the nipple shield, and breastfeeding has been pretty easy ever since.
Friday was Gavin's first doctor's appointment, where we learned he'd lost a pound since his birth. This wasn't too concerning, since it was in the 10% threshold. But they did want us to be aggressive about feeding him to get his weight back up.
It turned out that we were a little more aggressive than we needed to be. Which surprised me, and made me feel better in hindsight. But the next couple of days were really rough. I was supposed to wake Gavin up to feed him every two hours. In practice I only attempted to wake him every three hours, and since it took an hour to wake him up, he was really only eating every four hours. Which I was worried about even though Kevin kept insisting it was fine. We also supplemented with formula to make sure he was full.
Like I said, even though I was worried we weren't feeding him enough, it ended up being more than enough. At the next appointment he was up half a pound, and the doctor had only been expecting him to gain 3 ounces. So from then on, we were on a feed-on-demand schedule, and Gavin was allowed to sleep for 5 or 6 hours when he wanted to, which meant that I started sleeping again, too.
The other thing that happened during Gavin's first week was his first outing. He was too young for us to host Hallowiener this year, so Zach and Sarah chose to host a smaller version of the event. And even though Gavin was only 5 days old, we took him down to meet everyone. It was nice to get out of the house (though I ended up worried that he went too long without food), and Gavin was fantastic for most of the trip. He slept on the way down and nearly the entire time we were there. He ate a little bit just before we left. But he didn't get enough and ended up screaming for part of the drive back home. It was stressful, but ultimately a good outing. And Gavin got plenty to eat once we got home.
The first week was rough. But the memory of just how difficult it was is already starting to fade. Gavin started sleeping well quickly, and nothing too traumatic happened. As overwhelming as it all was in the moment, I can already see how people romanticize it all and decide to have another baby. Although I can only imagine how much more difficult it all is when you have another child to take care of.
We were in the hospital until Wednesday morning. It was nice to be there, with nurses on call to help and other people taking care of nearly everything. Still, the room was small and people were constantly interrupting whenever I tried to take a nap. By Wednesday morning, I was more than ready to head home.
A lot of people say that in the car, on the way home from the hospital, they experience a moment of panic. The idea of taking care of another human being suddenly becomes overwhelming, and without the constant help of professionals they aren't sure they can do it. Kevin and I never experienced that moment. The truth is that while taking care of a newborn can't exactly be called easy, it is simple. Feed them when they're hungry, change them when they're wet, hold them when they cry. Then again, Kevin and I got a pretty easy baby. He's healthy and happy and really only fusses when he needs something.
That said, breast-feeding was initially a bit of a challenge. Gavin had trouble latching at first, because my boobs were too big for his mouth. The lactation consultant gave me a nipple shield, which helped immensely, though Gavin still seemed to be struggling to get enough food. He ate almost constantly, until my milk finally came in late Thursday evening/Friday morning. At that point he finally filled his stomach and I was able to get my first substantial chunk of sleep. Within another day, he was able to latch without the nipple shield, and breastfeeding has been pretty easy ever since.
Friday was Gavin's first doctor's appointment, where we learned he'd lost a pound since his birth. This wasn't too concerning, since it was in the 10% threshold. But they did want us to be aggressive about feeding him to get his weight back up.
It turned out that we were a little more aggressive than we needed to be. Which surprised me, and made me feel better in hindsight. But the next couple of days were really rough. I was supposed to wake Gavin up to feed him every two hours. In practice I only attempted to wake him every three hours, and since it took an hour to wake him up, he was really only eating every four hours. Which I was worried about even though Kevin kept insisting it was fine. We also supplemented with formula to make sure he was full.
Like I said, even though I was worried we weren't feeding him enough, it ended up being more than enough. At the next appointment he was up half a pound, and the doctor had only been expecting him to gain 3 ounces. So from then on, we were on a feed-on-demand schedule, and Gavin was allowed to sleep for 5 or 6 hours when he wanted to, which meant that I started sleeping again, too.
The other thing that happened during Gavin's first week was his first outing. He was too young for us to host Hallowiener this year, so Zach and Sarah chose to host a smaller version of the event. And even though Gavin was only 5 days old, we took him down to meet everyone. It was nice to get out of the house (though I ended up worried that he went too long without food), and Gavin was fantastic for most of the trip. He slept on the way down and nearly the entire time we were there. He ate a little bit just before we left. But he didn't get enough and ended up screaming for part of the drive back home. It was stressful, but ultimately a good outing. And Gavin got plenty to eat once we got home.
The first week was rough. But the memory of just how difficult it was is already starting to fade. Gavin started sleeping well quickly, and nothing too traumatic happened. As overwhelming as it all was in the moment, I can already see how people romanticize it all and decide to have another baby. Although I can only imagine how much more difficult it all is when you have another child to take care of.
Thursday, November 24, 2016
One Month
It's hard to believe that Gavin is already a whole month old. I feel like I've been living in some parallel universe for the past month, and I'm still not sure I'm ready to return to reality. But I'm getting there. And part of that is keeping up with this blog again.
The past month has been unlike any other time in my life. I spend a lot of time watching TV while Gavin eats, since I can't really do anything else. We've had a never-ending parade of house guests. It's nice that we have such a huge and loving family, and it's been great to see everyone. But it also makes it impossible to start establishing any sort of routine. And while Gavin is still a bit too young for a schedule, I feel like I'm struggling to find time to cook and clean because all of my extra energy is being spent entertaining. Thankfully our guests have all been incredibly helpful. But I'm looking forward to getting control of my house back.
Gavin is doing wonderfully. He's a great sleeper. By the first week he was going down for a solid 4-5 hours every night, and that's still true. If everything works out right, I can get 6 or 7 hours of sleep. In practice that only happens 3 out of 4 nights, but it's enough to keep me sane. Generally, I'll feed Gavin after dinner, then try to get to bed by 9. Kevin stays up with him until midnight or so and gives him a bottle. Then I'm up between 3 and 4, more because my boobs are full than because Gavin is crying. If I can't convince him to eat, I pump. But that's always a bit of a risk, since I can't feed him for an hour or so after I pump. I just have to hope he'll stay asleep that much longer.
Gavin is also a pretty calm baby. He gets fussy sometimes, but he mostly only cries when he's hungry or gassy or needs a new diaper. I've gotten better about not letting him get overly hungry, because then he gets too upset to eat, and it can be hard to calm him down. But as we get to know each other that happens less and less.
As for developments, he's still mostly a little blob who eats and sleeps. He's started to make eye contact, which is cool. And he has a whole range of fun facial expressions, though I think they're still mostly involuntary. He likes looking out windows and at lights. Really he focuses on anything bright. We got him a mobile a week or so ago, and yesterday was the first time he really seemed to look at it. I had to put him in the crib so I could run to the bathroom, and he started crying. But I turned the mobile on, and by the time I was back he had calmed himself down and was fixated on the little hanging whales. I think the music helped, too.
For the most part, Gavin likes music. When we play it, he seems to get quiet and listen. Then only exception so far has been when I played "Dance Magic" from Labyrinth for him, which set off a tantrum. I'm hoping it was just a one-off thing. He's got to learn to love both David Bowie and Labyrinth, but there's still time to bring him around on it.
I'm mostly holding up well, too. I have, once or twice, felt myself slipping into a depression. Sleeping late and having trouble getting out of bed. But I've been able to snap out of it after a few hours. I really don't think it's a postpartum thing so much as a combination of the election results, the constant house guests, and my own lack of sleep. Bit by bit, I'm returning to myself. Reading books (slowly) and finding time to blog. By next week I'm hoping to start figuring out a schedule for Gavin and getting back to my life even more. Though I may still mostly be in hibernation mode through Christmas.
The past month has been unlike any other time in my life. I spend a lot of time watching TV while Gavin eats, since I can't really do anything else. We've had a never-ending parade of house guests. It's nice that we have such a huge and loving family, and it's been great to see everyone. But it also makes it impossible to start establishing any sort of routine. And while Gavin is still a bit too young for a schedule, I feel like I'm struggling to find time to cook and clean because all of my extra energy is being spent entertaining. Thankfully our guests have all been incredibly helpful. But I'm looking forward to getting control of my house back.
Gavin is doing wonderfully. He's a great sleeper. By the first week he was going down for a solid 4-5 hours every night, and that's still true. If everything works out right, I can get 6 or 7 hours of sleep. In practice that only happens 3 out of 4 nights, but it's enough to keep me sane. Generally, I'll feed Gavin after dinner, then try to get to bed by 9. Kevin stays up with him until midnight or so and gives him a bottle. Then I'm up between 3 and 4, more because my boobs are full than because Gavin is crying. If I can't convince him to eat, I pump. But that's always a bit of a risk, since I can't feed him for an hour or so after I pump. I just have to hope he'll stay asleep that much longer.
Gavin is also a pretty calm baby. He gets fussy sometimes, but he mostly only cries when he's hungry or gassy or needs a new diaper. I've gotten better about not letting him get overly hungry, because then he gets too upset to eat, and it can be hard to calm him down. But as we get to know each other that happens less and less.
As for developments, he's still mostly a little blob who eats and sleeps. He's started to make eye contact, which is cool. And he has a whole range of fun facial expressions, though I think they're still mostly involuntary. He likes looking out windows and at lights. Really he focuses on anything bright. We got him a mobile a week or so ago, and yesterday was the first time he really seemed to look at it. I had to put him in the crib so I could run to the bathroom, and he started crying. But I turned the mobile on, and by the time I was back he had calmed himself down and was fixated on the little hanging whales. I think the music helped, too.
For the most part, Gavin likes music. When we play it, he seems to get quiet and listen. Then only exception so far has been when I played "Dance Magic" from Labyrinth for him, which set off a tantrum. I'm hoping it was just a one-off thing. He's got to learn to love both David Bowie and Labyrinth, but there's still time to bring him around on it.
I'm mostly holding up well, too. I have, once or twice, felt myself slipping into a depression. Sleeping late and having trouble getting out of bed. But I've been able to snap out of it after a few hours. I really don't think it's a postpartum thing so much as a combination of the election results, the constant house guests, and my own lack of sleep. Bit by bit, I'm returning to myself. Reading books (slowly) and finding time to blog. By next week I'm hoping to start figuring out a schedule for Gavin and getting back to my life even more. Though I may still mostly be in hibernation mode through Christmas.
Wednesday, November 23, 2016
The Birth Story
In the weeks leading up to delivery, I found a lot of comfort in reading about other people's experiences with labor. While my pregnancy was mostly easy, I was terrified of the part where I would actually give birth. So I sought out the stories of others in the hopes that I would feel better if I knew what to expect. I still had nightmares the night before I went to the hospital, mostly centered on getting separated from Kevin or having procedures that no one would explain. But by the time I got to the hospital, I did end up feeling a bit better.
We knew Gavin was going to be big, so I scheduled an induction for the day after my due date. The doctor had initially suggested I try to induce early, but that seemed to come with the same risk of c-section as a vaginal birth of a large baby, so we decided to wait until he was full term. I was hoping he would decide to come early, but it didn't happen.
That said, I was 4 cm dilated by the time I got to the hospital, and the machine said I was already having contractions, even though I couldn't feel them. We got to the hospital at 6:30 and set off a flurry of activity. One nurse got me hooked up to an IV, the other started getting all my vitals. My OB came in and broke my water. I had my blood drawn and went through an extensive check-in process where they took my entire medical history. Officially they broke my water and started the pitocin at about 7 in the morning. By 7:30 or so, Kevin and I were left alone in the room, with a nurse coming in to check on us every so often.
The machine they had me hooked up to said that my contractions were coming every 4 minutes almost immediately, but I couldn't feel them at all. Before too long, they were happening every 2 minutes and lasting for 1 minute, and I still couldn't feel anything. Until I could. It took about an hour for me to go from not being able to feel anything to desperately wanting an epidural.
I said I wanted the epidural around 11, and it took about twenty minutes for the anesthesiologist to get there. It's a little hard, because you have to sit perfectly still for 5 minutes, while getting contractions every two minutes, while someone sticks a needle in your spine. It briefly felt like my back was on fire, but a second later everything started to feel a lot better. With the epidural, I couldn't get out of bed anymore, so they also put a catheter in. Then they gave me a peanut-shaped thing to hold between my legs, which was supposed to help me dilate more. Once everything was in place, Kevin and I put on Zoolander, and I slept through the entire movie.
With the epidural in, I went back to not being able to feel my contractions at all. The machine was still saying they were coming every 2 minutes, and the doctor kept reporting progress on my cervix dilation. But I was content to just lie in bed with my completely numb legs while the doctor said that everything was coming along nicely.
Kevin and I were in the middle of a crossword puzzle when the doctor came back and said it was time to start pushing. This coincided with a shift change for the nurses, so I also got to meet new people, just in time to start the hardest part of labor. They taught me how to push, and we were off. For a while it was just Kevin and the nurse, holding my legs and counting while I pushed.
Before I knew it, the doctor was back. When I'd been pushing for about an hour, the room suddenly exploded with a bunch more people. It went from 3 to 10 very quickly, all while I was being told to keep pushing. Then the doctor pulled Gavin out, which was traumatic, but thankfully brief. The pediatrician and some nurses took the baby to weigh him and clean him and suction his lungs, while my doctor got to work stitching me up.
About twenty minutes later I was able to hold Gavin and relax for the next few hours before they moved me to the recovery room. I was also able to eat my first tuna melt in months while Kevin took a turn holding his son. The whole thing ended up being a lot quicker and less terrifying than I'd been expecting. As scared as I was at the prospect of pushing a baby out of my vagina, I'm really glad I didn't end up needing a c-section. My OB said she might push me a bit harder to induce early next time, because Gavin was so big (10 lb, 3 oz and 22 inches long). I guess we'll have to wait and see how big the next baby is. In the meantime, I'm thankful that everything went so smoothly.
We knew Gavin was going to be big, so I scheduled an induction for the day after my due date. The doctor had initially suggested I try to induce early, but that seemed to come with the same risk of c-section as a vaginal birth of a large baby, so we decided to wait until he was full term. I was hoping he would decide to come early, but it didn't happen.
That said, I was 4 cm dilated by the time I got to the hospital, and the machine said I was already having contractions, even though I couldn't feel them. We got to the hospital at 6:30 and set off a flurry of activity. One nurse got me hooked up to an IV, the other started getting all my vitals. My OB came in and broke my water. I had my blood drawn and went through an extensive check-in process where they took my entire medical history. Officially they broke my water and started the pitocin at about 7 in the morning. By 7:30 or so, Kevin and I were left alone in the room, with a nurse coming in to check on us every so often.
The machine they had me hooked up to said that my contractions were coming every 4 minutes almost immediately, but I couldn't feel them at all. Before too long, they were happening every 2 minutes and lasting for 1 minute, and I still couldn't feel anything. Until I could. It took about an hour for me to go from not being able to feel anything to desperately wanting an epidural.
I said I wanted the epidural around 11, and it took about twenty minutes for the anesthesiologist to get there. It's a little hard, because you have to sit perfectly still for 5 minutes, while getting contractions every two minutes, while someone sticks a needle in your spine. It briefly felt like my back was on fire, but a second later everything started to feel a lot better. With the epidural, I couldn't get out of bed anymore, so they also put a catheter in. Then they gave me a peanut-shaped thing to hold between my legs, which was supposed to help me dilate more. Once everything was in place, Kevin and I put on Zoolander, and I slept through the entire movie.
With the epidural in, I went back to not being able to feel my contractions at all. The machine was still saying they were coming every 2 minutes, and the doctor kept reporting progress on my cervix dilation. But I was content to just lie in bed with my completely numb legs while the doctor said that everything was coming along nicely.
Kevin and I were in the middle of a crossword puzzle when the doctor came back and said it was time to start pushing. This coincided with a shift change for the nurses, so I also got to meet new people, just in time to start the hardest part of labor. They taught me how to push, and we were off. For a while it was just Kevin and the nurse, holding my legs and counting while I pushed.
Before I knew it, the doctor was back. When I'd been pushing for about an hour, the room suddenly exploded with a bunch more people. It went from 3 to 10 very quickly, all while I was being told to keep pushing. Then the doctor pulled Gavin out, which was traumatic, but thankfully brief. The pediatrician and some nurses took the baby to weigh him and clean him and suction his lungs, while my doctor got to work stitching me up.
About twenty minutes later I was able to hold Gavin and relax for the next few hours before they moved me to the recovery room. I was also able to eat my first tuna melt in months while Kevin took a turn holding his son. The whole thing ended up being a lot quicker and less terrifying than I'd been expecting. As scared as I was at the prospect of pushing a baby out of my vagina, I'm really glad I didn't end up needing a c-section. My OB said she might push me a bit harder to induce early next time, because Gavin was so big (10 lb, 3 oz and 22 inches long). I guess we'll have to wait and see how big the next baby is. In the meantime, I'm thankful that everything went so smoothly.
Sunday, November 20, 2016
The World Turned Upside Down
When my son was just over 2 weeks old, I woke up to feed him at 3 in the morning. At this point I was used to these middle of the night feedings, and I used the time to watch Netflix or look things up online. On this particular night, I'd gone to bed early, as I was in the habit of doing, and had missed the election results. So I went to look them up and do a little cheer for our first female president.
Except that my phone said Trump won. My blood literally ran cold when I saw the results, and I spent the next hour convinced I was having a nightmare, hoping that at any moment the baby would start crying and wake me up. Except that the baby was already awake and eating contentedly. I didn't sleep much for the rest of the night, and I spent a good chunk of it wondering if I'd just made the biggest mistake of my life, bringing a child into a world that was apparently a lot worse than I'd ever imagined.
For the next several days, I focused entirely on my kid. It felt like the world was tumbling down around me, but I could feed him and change diapers. I could sort of comfort him. We took turns crying. He'd get upset and I'd bounce him and tell him everything was going to be okay. Then I'd burst into tears because it felt like I was lying to my son, and the first lie was supposed to be Santa Claus, not Trump.
Up until this point, I'd been doing really well with the whole postpartum recovery thing. I was taking walks every day and getting stuff done around the house. My mom had come and gone, and I felt like I had a handle on this new mom thing. I was eager to get back to reading and writing and start getting the house cleaned up. But Trump getting elected was a mental and emotional setback that I hadn't seen coming. It didn't help anything that I also contracted shingles (thanks to a combination of my depressed immune system from being pregnant and stress), which meant that for the next week I could barely walk. Instead I sat on the couch, cared for my son as best as I could, and watched silently while the world around me slowly came to terms with the results of the election.
To be honest, I'm still a little bit in shock. I'm still focused pretty heavily on taking care of my son, one day at a time. But I'm ready to start interacting with the world again. And part of that is finally recording the first few weeks of his life. The blog is likely to be jumbled and out of order for the near future, while I get things down as I remember them and feel able to write about them.
I wish my son had been born into a world where the US elected the first female president. But he wasn't. Which means I'll have to work that much harder to make the world a worthy place for him to inherit. I'm most scared about climate change, and whether there will even be a world for him to inherit. But having children at all is an act of hope, and raising them forces you to act on that hope to turn it into a reality. Now I just have to figure out the most effective way to help get our country back on the track it was on under Obama, to raise my kid into a kind, thoughtful person, and believe once again in a tomorrow that's better than yesterday.
Except that my phone said Trump won. My blood literally ran cold when I saw the results, and I spent the next hour convinced I was having a nightmare, hoping that at any moment the baby would start crying and wake me up. Except that the baby was already awake and eating contentedly. I didn't sleep much for the rest of the night, and I spent a good chunk of it wondering if I'd just made the biggest mistake of my life, bringing a child into a world that was apparently a lot worse than I'd ever imagined.
For the next several days, I focused entirely on my kid. It felt like the world was tumbling down around me, but I could feed him and change diapers. I could sort of comfort him. We took turns crying. He'd get upset and I'd bounce him and tell him everything was going to be okay. Then I'd burst into tears because it felt like I was lying to my son, and the first lie was supposed to be Santa Claus, not Trump.
Up until this point, I'd been doing really well with the whole postpartum recovery thing. I was taking walks every day and getting stuff done around the house. My mom had come and gone, and I felt like I had a handle on this new mom thing. I was eager to get back to reading and writing and start getting the house cleaned up. But Trump getting elected was a mental and emotional setback that I hadn't seen coming. It didn't help anything that I also contracted shingles (thanks to a combination of my depressed immune system from being pregnant and stress), which meant that for the next week I could barely walk. Instead I sat on the couch, cared for my son as best as I could, and watched silently while the world around me slowly came to terms with the results of the election.
To be honest, I'm still a little bit in shock. I'm still focused pretty heavily on taking care of my son, one day at a time. But I'm ready to start interacting with the world again. And part of that is finally recording the first few weeks of his life. The blog is likely to be jumbled and out of order for the near future, while I get things down as I remember them and feel able to write about them.
I wish my son had been born into a world where the US elected the first female president. But he wasn't. Which means I'll have to work that much harder to make the world a worthy place for him to inherit. I'm most scared about climate change, and whether there will even be a world for him to inherit. But having children at all is an act of hope, and raising them forces you to act on that hope to turn it into a reality. Now I just have to figure out the most effective way to help get our country back on the track it was on under Obama, to raise my kid into a kind, thoughtful person, and believe once again in a tomorrow that's better than yesterday.
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