The hardest thing about Kevin being gone for an extended period of time is that I have to take Kina on both of her walks every day. I can't leave Gavin behind while I do this, so I have to load him into the stroller. I have to carve out extra time from my morning routine on the days I go to work and fit it around naps on the other days. I have to take them out, rain or shine, hot or cold. I have to control Kina with one hand while I maneuver the stroller with the other hand and hope that the hyperactive dogs across the cul-de-sac aren't being walked at the same time.
The hardest thing about Kevin being gone for an extended period of time is that I can never uite get enough sleep. Gavin's pretty good about sleeping at night. He's mostly asleep by 7:30, up at 5, and up once overnight to eat. But I can only go to bed so early. I end up getting 6 or 7 hours of sleep each night. It's not enough to leave me exhausted and needing a nap. Or even tired enough to take a nap. But it keeps me on edge, slowly wears me down until I'm making stupid mistakes at work and trying not to snap at people. The night finally comes when I could fall asleep at 8, and Gavin inevitably picks that night to be up until 9 or 9:30.
The hardest thing about Kevin being gone for an extended period of time is how much planning I have to do. In the evenings after I pick up Gavin from daycare I have two hours to feed him, feed myself, walk the dog, bathe Gavin, feed him again and get him to bed. I can make it work, but it's tight. I have to take care of the million little things that usually fall on Kevin's plate: taking out the trash, replacing burnt out bulbs, clearing off the driveway, etc. On the bright side, he makes me appreciate him more when he is here.
The hardest thing about Kevin being gone for an extended period of time is how much he's missing. Gavin can feed himself now. He's starting to understand language and make his wishes known. He's sitting in his stroller like a big boy and can get pretty much anywhere he wants to go. I'm getting to know him better each day, and I'm trying to keep track of all the things I need to make sure Kevin knows when he gets back. How to tell when he's hungry or tired or just wants to be held.
The hardest thing about Kevin being gone for an extended period of time is when he gets back. Gavin and I have established our routine and anything Kevin does disrupts it. We have to accommodate another person, and it takes a few days to adjust. The burden doesn't quite get lifted in the ways I expect it to, and it leaves me cranky while I remember how to take a step back.
Just two more days and then I can (hopefully) catch up on sleep.
Thursday, June 15, 2017
Friday, June 9, 2017
A Not-So Good Day
Just as the good day hinges on the baby sleeping a bunch, the not so good day happens when he doesn't sleep. It starts with an almost sleepless night, one where he's decided that eating is more important. He's up less than an hour after I go to bed and continues to wake up every couple of hours. And it's not just that he's waking up and crying. I actually don't have much problem with that. Sometimes he'll have a nightmare or wake himself up coughing. But after a minute or two of fussing, he's back to sleep and I've only woken up enough to roll over and register the disturbance to my sleep.
It's different when he's hungry. He can't get back to sleep on his own. So I have to wake up and feed him, which can take anywhere from 10 to 30 minutes. And it tends to take longer on these hollow nights when his stomach won't stay full. Eventually he wakes up for the final time, half an hour before my alarm goes off. There's a special kind of despair at that moment, when you know you won't be getting back to sleep.
Despite waking up so much earlier than usual, I fumble through the morning and end up leaving the house late. Which means I hit traffic (I usually skirt the very beginning of rush hour). Leaving the house five minutes later than normal means I get to work more than twenty minutes later then normal.
At least I can load up on caffeine at work, zone out without putting someone's life in danger. Yesterday nothing was going right, but at least none of it was my fault. And waiting on responses from five different people on three different tasks meant that I had a decent amount of time to just zone out in front of my computer screen. Not ideal but not the worst thing ever, either.
After work I had a dentist appointment. My third in a month. On the bright side, this one should be the last until my next cleaning. Still, going to the dentist is never fun, and now it breaks up my only free time. I had just enough time to go home and pump before I had to go pick up Gavin from daycare.
I brought home a cranky kid and fed him again. Fed him so much and for so long that I was starting to worry about walking Kina. There were a few minutes when I was sure that Gavin was just going to nod off early, meaning that I'd have to deprive Kina of her walk and hope that she took it upon herself to poop in the backyard instead of waiting until midnight to poop in my office, Luckily, Gavin finished eating and woke up, so we were able to walk the dog.
The worst part of days like this (other than the lack of sleep) is that I still have to be on. If I'm grumpy or testy it just makes everything worse for everyone. (And maybe I lashed out at Kevin a bit, because these days are an order of magnitude harder when he's on the other side of the world). But with Gavin, I still need to be cheerful and silly, make faces while he's eating and talk to him and play with him. In the olden days, before I had kids, a day like this would end with a bottle of wine and a Buffy marathon. This time I got Gavin to bed just in time to have a glass of wine and read a chapter in my book.
But it could have been worse, as I kept telling myself. The kid is happy, the dog is walked, even the kitchen got cleaned when bedtime came and went with a wide-awake baby.
The hardest part is that the light at the end of the tunnel is so far away. Kevin won't be home for more than a week, and I likely won't have a good night's sleep until then. But my baby is one of the easy ones. There are at least as many good days as there are bad days. And I do have resources to call on if it ever gets worse than this. Skirting up to the edge of what I can handle sucks, but I can still handle it.
It's different when he's hungry. He can't get back to sleep on his own. So I have to wake up and feed him, which can take anywhere from 10 to 30 minutes. And it tends to take longer on these hollow nights when his stomach won't stay full. Eventually he wakes up for the final time, half an hour before my alarm goes off. There's a special kind of despair at that moment, when you know you won't be getting back to sleep.
Despite waking up so much earlier than usual, I fumble through the morning and end up leaving the house late. Which means I hit traffic (I usually skirt the very beginning of rush hour). Leaving the house five minutes later than normal means I get to work more than twenty minutes later then normal.
At least I can load up on caffeine at work, zone out without putting someone's life in danger. Yesterday nothing was going right, but at least none of it was my fault. And waiting on responses from five different people on three different tasks meant that I had a decent amount of time to just zone out in front of my computer screen. Not ideal but not the worst thing ever, either.
After work I had a dentist appointment. My third in a month. On the bright side, this one should be the last until my next cleaning. Still, going to the dentist is never fun, and now it breaks up my only free time. I had just enough time to go home and pump before I had to go pick up Gavin from daycare.
I brought home a cranky kid and fed him again. Fed him so much and for so long that I was starting to worry about walking Kina. There were a few minutes when I was sure that Gavin was just going to nod off early, meaning that I'd have to deprive Kina of her walk and hope that she took it upon herself to poop in the backyard instead of waiting until midnight to poop in my office, Luckily, Gavin finished eating and woke up, so we were able to walk the dog.
The worst part of days like this (other than the lack of sleep) is that I still have to be on. If I'm grumpy or testy it just makes everything worse for everyone. (And maybe I lashed out at Kevin a bit, because these days are an order of magnitude harder when he's on the other side of the world). But with Gavin, I still need to be cheerful and silly, make faces while he's eating and talk to him and play with him. In the olden days, before I had kids, a day like this would end with a bottle of wine and a Buffy marathon. This time I got Gavin to bed just in time to have a glass of wine and read a chapter in my book.
But it could have been worse, as I kept telling myself. The kid is happy, the dog is walked, even the kitchen got cleaned when bedtime came and went with a wide-awake baby.
The hardest part is that the light at the end of the tunnel is so far away. Kevin won't be home for more than a week, and I likely won't have a good night's sleep until then. But my baby is one of the easy ones. There are at least as many good days as there are bad days. And I do have resources to call on if it ever gets worse than this. Skirting up to the edge of what I can handle sucks, but I can still handle it.
Tuesday, June 6, 2017
A Good Day
I haven't tried very hard to get Gavin on a schedule. He's managed to get on something resembling a set schedule, at least at night. I don't know how much of this is tapping in to his own natural rhythms and how much is imposed by daycare. They definitely have him on a stricter napping/feeding schedule than I do, and getting up in the morning has imposed some semblance of order on our lives. Gavin is a pretty consistent sleeper at night. But on the days when he's home with me, anything goes.
Part of this is that I try not to force anything on him. When it's just the two of us, he eats and sleeps when he wants. I'm pretty much content to follow his lead. Except on the days when I have things scheduled, and then he inevitably wants to eat just as I'm getting ready to go out, or I have to wake him from a nap if I'm going to keep an appointment.
It's possible that these busy days would be easier if I could predict Gavin's wants more accurately. But I'm not really busy enough to force it. And trying to make him sleep when he's not tired or making him eat at scheduled times just sounds like it would result in a lot more tears for both of us. He's a pretty easy-going baby, and I think that at least part of that is because I try to go with his flow as much as I can. Like that song, Smooth.
The point is that when it's just Gavin and me, there's no schedule. He might nap three times. He might not nap at all. He might go down for three hours in the middle of the day. Sometimes this results in a day when I just can't seem to get anything done. Sometimes (especially when Kevin is out of town) it leads to days that drag on and on. And sometimes, like yesterday, I am gifted with a perfect day.
Everything came together yesterday. Gavin woke up at 6, and even though I hadn't quite gotten eight hours of sleep in, I woke up feeling refreshed because Gavin hadn't woken up to eat overnight. It's amazing what uninterrupted sleep can do for you. I fed him and ate my own breakfast, and then he was ready to eat again and go down for a nap at 7.
Since I didn't need a nap at this point, I dove into my to-do list. By 8:30, I had done all of the cleaning I wanted to for the day. Then Gavin woke up, and we took Kina for a nice, long walk. We got home, Gavin ate some cereal and we played for a bit. Then he went down for another nap. I was able to eat lunch and watch some TV without wrangling him. We played a bit in the early afternoon, and then he took another nap, which let me sit on the couch and finish my book on a nice, rainy afternoon.
The key here is lots of sleep from Gavin. Naps that are long enough for me to get things done while also being space well enough for me to eat without having to worry about entertaining him at the same time. We got to play, but he was never overly fussy or hyperactive. And he still went to bed at 7:30.
If I really wanted to get him on a schedule, this is the one I'd probably aim for. But if every day were like this, I wouldn't appreciate it properly. Plus I'd have a hard time running errands, with Gavin sleeping all the time. Its worthless anyway. Part of the reason that he isn't on a schedule is that every time I thought I had him on one, something would change (he'd get sick or hit a growth spurt) and the whole thing would get thrown out the window. So I'll just appreciate these days as they come, relish in the relatively rare feeling of being well-rested, and be grateful that my kid is so easy.
Part of this is that I try not to force anything on him. When it's just the two of us, he eats and sleeps when he wants. I'm pretty much content to follow his lead. Except on the days when I have things scheduled, and then he inevitably wants to eat just as I'm getting ready to go out, or I have to wake him from a nap if I'm going to keep an appointment.
It's possible that these busy days would be easier if I could predict Gavin's wants more accurately. But I'm not really busy enough to force it. And trying to make him sleep when he's not tired or making him eat at scheduled times just sounds like it would result in a lot more tears for both of us. He's a pretty easy-going baby, and I think that at least part of that is because I try to go with his flow as much as I can. Like that song, Smooth.
The point is that when it's just Gavin and me, there's no schedule. He might nap three times. He might not nap at all. He might go down for three hours in the middle of the day. Sometimes this results in a day when I just can't seem to get anything done. Sometimes (especially when Kevin is out of town) it leads to days that drag on and on. And sometimes, like yesterday, I am gifted with a perfect day.
Everything came together yesterday. Gavin woke up at 6, and even though I hadn't quite gotten eight hours of sleep in, I woke up feeling refreshed because Gavin hadn't woken up to eat overnight. It's amazing what uninterrupted sleep can do for you. I fed him and ate my own breakfast, and then he was ready to eat again and go down for a nap at 7.
Since I didn't need a nap at this point, I dove into my to-do list. By 8:30, I had done all of the cleaning I wanted to for the day. Then Gavin woke up, and we took Kina for a nice, long walk. We got home, Gavin ate some cereal and we played for a bit. Then he went down for another nap. I was able to eat lunch and watch some TV without wrangling him. We played a bit in the early afternoon, and then he took another nap, which let me sit on the couch and finish my book on a nice, rainy afternoon.
The key here is lots of sleep from Gavin. Naps that are long enough for me to get things done while also being space well enough for me to eat without having to worry about entertaining him at the same time. We got to play, but he was never overly fussy or hyperactive. And he still went to bed at 7:30.
If I really wanted to get him on a schedule, this is the one I'd probably aim for. But if every day were like this, I wouldn't appreciate it properly. Plus I'd have a hard time running errands, with Gavin sleeping all the time. Its worthless anyway. Part of the reason that he isn't on a schedule is that every time I thought I had him on one, something would change (he'd get sick or hit a growth spurt) and the whole thing would get thrown out the window. So I'll just appreciate these days as they come, relish in the relatively rare feeling of being well-rested, and be grateful that my kid is so easy.
Friday, June 2, 2017
First Mother's Day
There are people who claim that last year, when I was pregnant, was my first Mother's Day. But for me it felt wrong to celebrate then. Now that I've got an infant, I'm doubling down on that. Last year all I wanted to do was sleep, and there was nothing stopping me from doing just that (well, I did have to get up and walk the dog at some point). This year all I wanted to do was sleep, and despite my best efforts it just didn't happen.
Last year Kevin was out of town for Mother's Day. His mom called me up the week before, and we had the following exchange:
This year, I'm even more pressed to find time for myself. Kevin's still traveling, though not quite as much. Caring for an infant has made me desperate for any and all adult contact while he's away. And when he's home, want to see him and hang out as a family. But all I really wanted for Mother's Day this year was to not be a mother for a little bit.
Thankfully, Kevin had just gotten home from a work trip. So he took Gavin out to get brunch with his mother, and I had a few hours to myself. The original plan was to take a bath or a nap. But life has a way of piling up. I had to do laundry and some dishes and get Kina to and from a grooming appointment. I was able to squeeze in a couple of TV shows around my shores. And even though it wasn't quite the relaxing day I'd been dreaming about, it helped rejuvenate me. Maybe next year, when I'm not quite ass tethered to Gavin, I'll get a longer chunk of time to myself.
Last year Kevin was out of town for Mother's Day. His mom called me up the week before, and we had the following exchange:
Her: What are you doing for Mother's Day?See, Kevin would go on these long trips, and I'd always look forward to spending some time beholden to no one. But with one thing and another, that was the only weekend he was gone that I didn't have an obligation of some sort. And I was guarding that time jealously, knowing that it was running out.
Me: Nothing
Her: Well, would you like to get brunch?
Me: No, you misunderstood. I'm doing nothing this weekend.
This year, I'm even more pressed to find time for myself. Kevin's still traveling, though not quite as much. Caring for an infant has made me desperate for any and all adult contact while he's away. And when he's home, want to see him and hang out as a family. But all I really wanted for Mother's Day this year was to not be a mother for a little bit.
Thankfully, Kevin had just gotten home from a work trip. So he took Gavin out to get brunch with his mother, and I had a few hours to myself. The original plan was to take a bath or a nap. But life has a way of piling up. I had to do laundry and some dishes and get Kina to and from a grooming appointment. I was able to squeeze in a couple of TV shows around my shores. And even though it wasn't quite the relaxing day I'd been dreaming about, it helped rejuvenate me. Maybe next year, when I'm not quite ass tethered to Gavin, I'll get a longer chunk of time to myself.
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