TTC

I have gone back and forth on this post. Common knowledge says that you don't tell anyone when you're trying to conceive. Apparently it will force them to picture you having sex. Which, I've been living with my husband for over five years now. The only thing that really changed is that I stopped taking a pill every day and started taking my temperature instead. And then there's the chance that it will take a really long time to conceive, or that you won't be able to at all, and that the grief that comes with that really ought to be a private grief.

Which is not something I really believe, as you can see by the fact that I've decided to go ahead and post this. Part of it is that I'm definitely a member of the Facebook generation. Does life even happen if you don't post about it online? But a bigger part is that I feel like all this secrecy leads to a culture of ignorance and misinformation. No one will talk about it, so you end up having to do a whole lot of research on your own. And then try to sift out the bad information from the good information, which can be hard even if that is a skill you have. It all feels a little lonely and backwards - cutting off your support network in case you need them.

Not to mention the wealth of dietary and lifestyle changes that come into play when you start trying to conceive. Changes that you're supposed to hide along with the fact that you're trying to make a baby, even though that's impossible when it comes to the people who know you well. I can come up with an excuse to skip the odd happy hour with coworkers, but my close friends will notice when I'm opting for tea instead of wine at a party.

More than any of that, though, is that a lot of this is weird. And it sucks to not be able to talk about that. It's weird to suddenly flip the brain switch from "no pregnancy" to "please pregnancy". You react to your periods in a completely different way. The two weeks before your period become this intensely stressful time when all you can do is wait and you can't even have a damn beer to help you through it.

You start taking your temperature first thing every morning, because that's what everyone says to do. And there are apps built around this, that help you chart your temperature and determine your ovulation day and scan for early signs of pregnancy. And you wonder if this is maybe driving you a little crazy. Do you really need to take your temperature first thing every day? (YES YOU DO!) It's worst when you really have to pee, but you can't get out of bed until the thermometer beeps because you'll mess up your data. I got so paranoid that I wouldn't even let myself go to the bathroom if I woke up in the middle of the night, in case it messed up with my data, and I just lay there for hours trying not to think about how badly I had to pee until the clock ticked over to a reasonable time for me to take my temperature. It's supposed to happen at the same time every day, but I was really working with a 3-hour window. And twice so far I've just said screw it and threw out the data for that day.

And at the end of all that you end up with a chart that must be interpreted by experts. Is that temperature drop an "implantation dip", indicative of pregnancy, or does it mean the luteal phase is over? Did your temperature increase again because you're pregnant or because you slept in this morning. The truth is that all of this data is essentially useless without that one key piece of information - the pregnancy test. But it's another week before you can take one. In the meantime you've got the kind of cramps that you don't usually associate with PMS. Is it pregnancy, or did you eat some cheese and forget? Should you be paying closer attention to your cervical mucus. How?

Throughout all of this, you're alternating between scouring the internet for more information/reassurance, and avoiding it completely because people are crazy. And because some of the stories get to be too much. This woman has been trying unsuccessfully for a year now. This one has miscarried four times. This lesbian couple is on their third round of IVF, and how many more can they afford? Oh god, could it really take five years to have a kid? How much are you actually willing to invest in this?

You try to maintain an attitude of tempered hope. This will work, but it's okay if it doesn't. It's not the end of the world. There are options. So many options. Still, this will definitely work. And it won't take forever. And there won't be any complications. But if there are it's normal, and it doesn't necessarily mean anything. Until it does. But it's far too early in the process to be going this crazy over it all. Then again, obsessive planning is your default response, and more information is good. All knowledge is worth having, right? Except maybe knowledge about cervical mucus.

At the end of the day, writing is what gives me perspective. So I chose to write about this whole process and share it with all of you. If you don't want to read about it, you don't necessarily have to. But maybe someone will recognize themselves and know they aren't alone. Maybe one day I'll look back on this post and laugh at how obsessive I got. Maybe I will, somehow, become even more obsessive in the months to come. Who knows?

For now, I will just go with my gut and overshare. And if it takes forever to get pregnant, or if I miscarry the first one, well, I'll probably talk about that, too. I have a really hard time keeping my mouth shut when there's something I want to talk about. And this is the easiest place to spill.

New Water Heater

One of the unmistakable signs of adulthood is getting really excited about large appliances. Kevin and I have been talking about getting a new water heater for years. Literally. The one we had held just about enough water for one of my showers. Kevin takes shorter showers, so he never had an issue. And for a long time he didn't believe that we did have an issue.

But I finally convinced him, and a few weeks ago I came home to discover that he'd gone ahead and bought a new water heater and gotten it installed while I was at work. Best Valentines Day surprise ever. Except maybe for that time he conspired with my mom and flew across the country to surprise me. What I'm saying is that I let out a very similar squeal and did that same dance when I saw the new water heater.

Life has definitely improved since the new water heater got installed. I don't have to get up half an hour before my alarm to run the hot water so I can be assured of a hot shower anymore. God, I already can't believe that was an actual thing I was doing. Moreover, the hot water doesn't suddenly cut out while I still have conditioner in my hair. I can actually fill up the tub and take baths. Our dishwasher has miraculously become a lot more efficient. No more baked on food if we don't wash the dishes before sticking them in the dishwasher anymore, which sort of defeats the whole purpose. It's almost like we got two new appliances for the price of one (and I'm sure the washer is working better, too).

The point is that we should have done this years ago.

And hopefully this will motivate us to tackle the rest of the house to-do list.

Yoga Wrap Up

I made it through the 30 days of yoga challenge. Sort of. It took me about 40 days to get through, because it turns out that I can't commit to 30 minutes of yoga every single day. Fridays are especially hard. If I go out after work, I won't be home for long enough to squeeze in the 30 minutes. But I kept chugging along and eventually made it to the end of the series.

Then I put on the video for the 30th day and it was introduced as a freestyle, do what you want treat for the final day. And that's the opposite of what I want. I started watching the videos so that someone else would tell me what to do. I need that structure. I'm awful at coming up with my own routine. Even if I know all the pieces. I just can't put it together into something reasonable, and I always stop after about half a workout.

After that, I just lost momentum. I tried another video, but I'd taken off for long enough that I was back to all the old aches and pains from my first forays into yoga. It was frustrating. Especially since some of the poses had started to come easier. And the cure is obviously to keep doing it every day. Or 5 days a week at least, which I can manage easily. But once you stop it's so hard to get started again. Especially when your husband just wants to watch TV and work on the puzzle and you know you ought to treasure the time together since he's leaving soon.

But he is leaving soon. Monday, in fact. At which point I'm bound and determined to get back into a routine. And stick with it this time. Even after he comes home. I will figure out how to make this work. And I will touch my toes before the year is out.