When I Was One, I Had Just Begun

Gavin turns a year old today, so it seems like a good time to look back and gather some thoughts about this past year and where he is now.

He has six teeth, and I think he's got at least one more coming in right now. It was crazy, because for the longest time he didn't have any teeth even though it seemed like he was teething. Then, around nine months, he got all six within a couple of weeks of each other.

He loves making noise, and I'm basically encouraging it at this point. But it mostly doesn't bother me. He likes throwing things around on the hardwood floor and watching them bounce and spin, and I play with him and do those same things. He likes making high-pitched squeaks and then I'll try to match him and we'll go back and forth until he gets out of my range and I have to concede the contest to him. It's cute and fun, even if it drives other people crazy and is possibly destroying my floors.

He's so close to walking. He can stand. He doesn't even need to pull up on anything anymore - he just stands. And he can balance for a while and hold things and even lean over to pick stuff up and stand back up. He's taken one step and then fallen a handful of times, but nothing that I'd actually call his first steps yet. He also loves bouncing, whether in his crib or while hanging on to a railing or table.

I have taken a shower every single damn day since he was born. I'm entirely too proud of this fact. But showers are my lifeline in a way, and it was important to me not to miss a single one. So even on the day after he was born and I could barely stand, I took a shower in the hospital bathroom. On the day I got a stomach bug and a few months later when I got food poisoning and didn't even get out of bed (except to feed Gavin) until the afternoon, I still took a shower. When he was cranky and refusing to nap, I plopped him in his play pen and turned on Sesame Street and let him scream for 10 minutes. But, damnit, I got my shower every single day. These are the sorts of victories I celebrate now.

I have lost count of how many colds Gavin's gotten and passed around to me and Kevin. There was one fever, but it wasn't bad. And he got a stomach thing, but it was over quick. It sucks when he's sick, because I want him to feel better. On the other hand, he sleeps so much when he's sick, and that's a nice break. Once he was fussy and refusing to be put down, so I ended up laying on the couch and holding him for three hours while he slept and I watched Star Trek. Later that day I complained about how difficult he'd been, and Kevin pointed out that I'd just spent the entire afternoon cuddling with him. So, perspective. In the end nothing's been so terrible.

Gavin has been a fantastic sleeper. He's not a great napper, at least at home. Daycare has never complained, but at home he isn't consistent. Still, I'd rather he sleep through the night and he's great at that. I keep worrying I'm going to jinx it by talking about it, and there have been a few rough patches. He was still waking up a couple of times a night as he approached nine months, and it was getting frustrating. But when I stopped breast-feeding, he started sleeping through the night with very few issues. There was a hiccup when Kevin went out of town for a week and Gavin started waking up with nightmares multiple times a night. That was awful because there was nothing I could do about it, just sit and rock him and try to comfort him. The mental and emotional drain was even worse than the physical fatigue I felt the first couple of weeks he was here. But Kevin came home, and we haven't had an issue since.

I've gotten incredibly organized over the last year. I've always been pretty good at time management, and my time at Harvey Mudd honed that skill. But with a whole other person to keep track of, I couldn't just keep everything in my head anymore. I started writing everything down using the bullet journal system. It basically turned into a series of daily to-do lists, but using a blank notebook for a few months helped me figure out what I wanted in a planner. The physical planner only lasted a couple of months. It was just too heavy to carry around everywhere. And then I finally found a an app that worked for me. It has a good widget on my phone and an easy interface. It connects seamlessly to a desktop version that I can access when I'm at work (where I don't have my phone). It lets me make grocery lists and recurring tasks and set alarms, and it even integrates into my google calendar so I can see everything for the week or month at a glance. I also hung up a color-coded calendar in the kitchen to keep track of the family's schedule. We aren't super busy yet, but it'll be good to have this system in place when things get hectic in a few years.

I have been surprised more than once this year by what I'm capable of doing. Taking care of Gavin on my own while Kevin travels has gotten steadily easier. Asking for help has gotten easier. I've gotten better and figuring out what's important and letting the housework slip sometimes. I've surprised myself by becoming more social. The most surprising thing about parenthood as an introvert is the realization that going out with friends is less exhausting than staying home alone with a baby. It's a hassle to cart around three extra bags of stuff, but it's pretty much always worth it.

So that's where we are, a year in. Brace yourself, because here come the cliches. Parenting is the most exhausting thing I've ever done. I have never in my life been as tired as I was this year, even during college. The thing is, in college, the semester always ended. And while I know childhood ends too, right now it's too far away to register. Parenting is also the easiest, most natural responsibility I've ever taken on. Yes, it's tedious and it can get isolating (especially when you're the first of your friends and family to have kids). But I'm not one of those people who's constantly worried that I'm messing my kid up. I'm perhaps a little lackadaisical (lately other people seem much more concerned about Gavin's proximity to chairs and table corners than I do). But I'm confident that my kid's going to be fine. He has plenty of food and clothes, an abundance of love and attention, a house full of books and toys, and a bunch of really smart people who care about him. That's way more than most people get, and the biggest challenge is just going to be making him appreciate how lucky he is.

I'm so excited for him to start walking and talking. For him to develop interests and opinions. As the poem says, Gavin's only just begun. In this next year I'm looking forward to seeing who he's going to be. I've come to determine that parenthood is really just mastering the art of letting go. Do it too quickly and your kid gets hurt, too slowly and they never grow up. But there's a lot of room for error in there, and all I can do is my best. I can't wait to see what the next year brings.

Giggles

Gavin is at a wonderful age where he laughs all the time. Getting him to giggle is the easiest thing in the world, so our evenings are now filled with the joyous sound. I think this is definitely my favorite age so far. Here's a list of the things that make him laugh:

• Playing catch. He's not great at it yet, but he does love passing the dog bone or one of his balls back and forth.
• Animal noises. His current favorite book is (Your Child's First Word Will Be) Dada, by Jimmy Fallon. It's just a series of animals saying "dada" and their babies responding with the animal nosie. Gavin particularly loves the dog and the pig. And he always tries to mimic the bee's buzzing. He also can say dada now, but it appears to just be a catch-all word, referring to everything from Kevin to this book to his bottle.
• Spinning things. We don't have any tops, but Gavin does have a set of brightly colored spinning cups that spin pretty well. He chases them across the floor then brings them back to be spun again.
• Clapping. He's got this motion down now, and he loves when you clap with him. He's also figuring out high-fives.
• Dog kisses. Kina doesn't really lick, which is one of my favorite things about her. But Gavin has discovered that if he covers his hand in food she will come up and lick it off. It's one of his favorite things, and a behavior we probably ought to put a stop to. But it's nice that they're friends.
• Peek-a-boo. It is essential that you say "boo", though
• Getting tossed and swung around. This kid is going to love roller coasters and other thrill rides when he's older
• Jump scares. I don't know why he loves being scared so much. But if you sneak up behind him and say "boo" he always jumps and then dissolves into giggles

The world sucks right now, and I'm glad I can always rely on baby giggles. There is no greater balm for the soul.