Out of Whack

It's frustrating when the progress you're making doesn't quite match up with the progress you want to be making. It's even more frustrating when it feels like there's nothing you can do about it.

I still have yet to lose any weight. Whatever I do that scale remains stubbornly at the same level. I signed up for this slow and steady method because I know it would be healthier and more sustainable than trying to lose a bunch of weight quickly. But I really hoped and expected to have seen that number go down by now.

On the other hand, I am getting a lot stronger. I can lift more weight. I can do more repetitions. I have more energy both at the gym and after I finish working out. And with my new trainer, I'm typically sore for days after my hardest workout of the week.

Since I'm building muscles, I am getting smaller. I may not be losing pounds, but fat is certainly being converted to muscle, which is denser. And I can sort of tell that I'm getting smaller. My clothes are fitting a bit better, getting a bit looser.

Mostly.

The problem is that you don't get smaller all over in a uniform way. My breasts and hips are getting smaller, but my stomach is, so far, staying the same size. The result is that when I look into a mirror or try on new clothes, I look fatter than I did before. My proportions are shifting, and they aren't shifting in the way I was hoping for. When I do push-ups now, my stomach touches the floor before my breasts do. And never mind the fact that I can do a bunch of really awesome push-ups, the act of doing them makes me feel bad. It makes me feel fat.

It doesn't help that everything has felt off for the past couple of weeks. I haven't been getting to the gym as much as I want to. Part of it is my body feeling funky. Part of it is that work things have been coming up. But the biggest part has probably just been apathy.

There's a bunch of other life stuff that's piling up and distracting me. We keep getting these hints of Spring, but it's cold again before I can properly enjoy it which sends me back into hibernation mode (I've read almost twice as many books as normal so far this year). I'm stressed about work because my performance review keeps getting shifted back, and I'd like to just get it over with. I'm stressed about the wedding in the most frustrating way possible. Everything's under control, but I keep having these awful dreams where everything completely falls apart.

Basically it's just been a rough couple of weeks, and getting to the gym is both my biggest priority and the last thing I want to do. I feel like I'm right on the cusp of actually losing some weight, but I've also felt like that since July.

All I can really do at this point is keep on going. I need to get to the gym four times a week, twice for weight lifting and twice for cardio. And I need to figure out a way to intensify my cardio workouts without hurting myself. Maybe it's time to trade out the treadmill for the elliptical.

Wish me luck. Wish me the ability to look awesome in my wedding dress and still fit in it. Wish me time and motivation to put this plan into action. I can relax on the honeymoon. That's what it's for.