When I Was One, I Had Just Begun

Gavin turns a year old today, so it seems like a good time to look back and gather some thoughts about this past year and where he is now.

He has six teeth, and I think he's got at least one more coming in right now. It was crazy, because for the longest time he didn't have any teeth even though it seemed like he was teething. Then, around nine months, he got all six within a couple of weeks of each other.

He loves making noise, and I'm basically encouraging it at this point. But it mostly doesn't bother me. He likes throwing things around on the hardwood floor and watching them bounce and spin, and I play with him and do those same things. He likes making high-pitched squeaks and then I'll try to match him and we'll go back and forth until he gets out of my range and I have to concede the contest to him. It's cute and fun, even if it drives other people crazy and is possibly destroying my floors.

He's so close to walking. He can stand. He doesn't even need to pull up on anything anymore - he just stands. And he can balance for a while and hold things and even lean over to pick stuff up and stand back up. He's taken one step and then fallen a handful of times, but nothing that I'd actually call his first steps yet. He also loves bouncing, whether in his crib or while hanging on to a railing or table.

I have taken a shower every single damn day since he was born. I'm entirely too proud of this fact. But showers are my lifeline in a way, and it was important to me not to miss a single one. So even on the day after he was born and I could barely stand, I took a shower in the hospital bathroom. On the day I got a stomach bug and a few months later when I got food poisoning and didn't even get out of bed (except to feed Gavin) until the afternoon, I still took a shower. When he was cranky and refusing to nap, I plopped him in his play pen and turned on Sesame Street and let him scream for 10 minutes. But, damnit, I got my shower every single day. These are the sorts of victories I celebrate now.

I have lost count of how many colds Gavin's gotten and passed around to me and Kevin. There was one fever, but it wasn't bad. And he got a stomach thing, but it was over quick. It sucks when he's sick, because I want him to feel better. On the other hand, he sleeps so much when he's sick, and that's a nice break. Once he was fussy and refusing to be put down, so I ended up laying on the couch and holding him for three hours while he slept and I watched Star Trek. Later that day I complained about how difficult he'd been, and Kevin pointed out that I'd just spent the entire afternoon cuddling with him. So, perspective. In the end nothing's been so terrible.

Gavin has been a fantastic sleeper. He's not a great napper, at least at home. Daycare has never complained, but at home he isn't consistent. Still, I'd rather he sleep through the night and he's great at that. I keep worrying I'm going to jinx it by talking about it, and there have been a few rough patches. He was still waking up a couple of times a night as he approached nine months, and it was getting frustrating. But when I stopped breast-feeding, he started sleeping through the night with very few issues. There was a hiccup when Kevin went out of town for a week and Gavin started waking up with nightmares multiple times a night. That was awful because there was nothing I could do about it, just sit and rock him and try to comfort him. The mental and emotional drain was even worse than the physical fatigue I felt the first couple of weeks he was here. But Kevin came home, and we haven't had an issue since.

I've gotten incredibly organized over the last year. I've always been pretty good at time management, and my time at Harvey Mudd honed that skill. But with a whole other person to keep track of, I couldn't just keep everything in my head anymore. I started writing everything down using the bullet journal system. It basically turned into a series of daily to-do lists, but using a blank notebook for a few months helped me figure out what I wanted in a planner. The physical planner only lasted a couple of months. It was just too heavy to carry around everywhere. And then I finally found a an app that worked for me. It has a good widget on my phone and an easy interface. It connects seamlessly to a desktop version that I can access when I'm at work (where I don't have my phone). It lets me make grocery lists and recurring tasks and set alarms, and it even integrates into my google calendar so I can see everything for the week or month at a glance. I also hung up a color-coded calendar in the kitchen to keep track of the family's schedule. We aren't super busy yet, but it'll be good to have this system in place when things get hectic in a few years.

I have been surprised more than once this year by what I'm capable of doing. Taking care of Gavin on my own while Kevin travels has gotten steadily easier. Asking for help has gotten easier. I've gotten better and figuring out what's important and letting the housework slip sometimes. I've surprised myself by becoming more social. The most surprising thing about parenthood as an introvert is the realization that going out with friends is less exhausting than staying home alone with a baby. It's a hassle to cart around three extra bags of stuff, but it's pretty much always worth it.

So that's where we are, a year in. Brace yourself, because here come the cliches. Parenting is the most exhausting thing I've ever done. I have never in my life been as tired as I was this year, even during college. The thing is, in college, the semester always ended. And while I know childhood ends too, right now it's too far away to register. Parenting is also the easiest, most natural responsibility I've ever taken on. Yes, it's tedious and it can get isolating (especially when you're the first of your friends and family to have kids). But I'm not one of those people who's constantly worried that I'm messing my kid up. I'm perhaps a little lackadaisical (lately other people seem much more concerned about Gavin's proximity to chairs and table corners than I do). But I'm confident that my kid's going to be fine. He has plenty of food and clothes, an abundance of love and attention, a house full of books and toys, and a bunch of really smart people who care about him. That's way more than most people get, and the biggest challenge is just going to be making him appreciate how lucky he is.

I'm so excited for him to start walking and talking. For him to develop interests and opinions. As the poem says, Gavin's only just begun. In this next year I'm looking forward to seeing who he's going to be. I've come to determine that parenthood is really just mastering the art of letting go. Do it too quickly and your kid gets hurt, too slowly and they never grow up. But there's a lot of room for error in there, and all I can do is my best. I can't wait to see what the next year brings.

Giggles

Gavin is at a wonderful age where he laughs all the time. Getting him to giggle is the easiest thing in the world, so our evenings are now filled with the joyous sound. I think this is definitely my favorite age so far. Here's a list of the things that make him laugh:

• Playing catch. He's not great at it yet, but he does love passing the dog bone or one of his balls back and forth.
• Animal noises. His current favorite book is (Your Child's First Word Will Be) Dada, by Jimmy Fallon. It's just a series of animals saying "dada" and their babies responding with the animal nosie. Gavin particularly loves the dog and the pig. And he always tries to mimic the bee's buzzing. He also can say dada now, but it appears to just be a catch-all word, referring to everything from Kevin to this book to his bottle.
• Spinning things. We don't have any tops, but Gavin does have a set of brightly colored spinning cups that spin pretty well. He chases them across the floor then brings them back to be spun again.
• Clapping. He's got this motion down now, and he loves when you clap with him. He's also figuring out high-fives.
• Dog kisses. Kina doesn't really lick, which is one of my favorite things about her. But Gavin has discovered that if he covers his hand in food she will come up and lick it off. It's one of his favorite things, and a behavior we probably ought to put a stop to. But it's nice that they're friends.
• Peek-a-boo. It is essential that you say "boo", though
• Getting tossed and swung around. This kid is going to love roller coasters and other thrill rides when he's older
• Jump scares. I don't know why he loves being scared so much. But if you sneak up behind him and say "boo" he always jumps and then dissolves into giggles

The world sucks right now, and I'm glad I can always rely on baby giggles. There is no greater balm for the soul.

Vacation

At the end of July, we were finally able to take a real vacation as a family. It wasn't combined with Kevin's work or any other family obligations. Just the three of us on a lake for a week.

We rented a house down at Lake Anna, which is about halfway between DC and Richmond. Some friends came out the first weekend, but after that we had the place to ourselves. It was maybe a little big for just the three of us, but it was one of the few properties that let us bring Kina along.

We spent the week mostly hanging out. We had plans to spend more time in the water, but it ended up being too warm. The lake was built as a heat reservoir for a power plant, and the house we rented was on the warm side. The water temperature was almost 90 degrees, way too warm to be refreshing. Especially on hot, July days. We went out in the canoe a coupe of times, which proved to be a great way to make Gavin fall asleep. But for swimming we had to drive over to the beach on the other side of the lake.

We also went out to a local winery and tried a few restaurants. But for the most part we stayed in. Gavin napped a lot. I read my books. Kevin played Zelda. All in all it was a very relaxing week. I'm glad we were able to find time to get away as a family. Here's hoping this was just the first of many more family vacations to come.

Stay-cation

At the beginning of July, when Gavin was eight and a half months old, I was able to spend my first full night away from him. Part of me had wanted to get this out of the way sooner, but while I was breastfeeding I could never really spend that much time away from him. Once he started going to daycare I was having a hard enough time pumping enough to supply that. Adding an overnight trip just seemed like more hassle.

But by July he was taking formula often enough - and I was feeding him rarely enough - that I felt comfortable spending the night away. So I gathered my girl friends for a mini stay-cation.

We spent the afternoon at a Korean spa called Spa World. It has a co-ed area with a variety of rooms set to different temperatures. You can lay in any of them, take a nap in the main area, get food, play games, or sit on one of the comfy sofas. There's also an enormous hot tub area. Well, actually there are two - one for men and one for women. We spent several hours there, laying around and talking. Eventually they all took a nap, but I knew that if I fell asleep then I'd probably never wake up again.

Afterwards we went out to dinner and then spent the night in a hotel room. We drank an excessive amount of wine and played games. It was so nice to hang out with my friends and not worry about feeding my baby or getting up at 2 to comfort him or anything. I could actually take a night off and just enjoy myself.

I'm really glad I was able to get a ladies night in between Kevin's various busniess trips. It helped me recharge my batteries, and it was great to have actual, uninterrupted conversations with my friends. 

Work-cation

Back in June, Gavin and I were able to join Kevin on a week-long work trip to Fairbanks, Alaska. Kevin has to work for three days (which sort of stretched into four days), but we took the whole week so we'd have some time to enjoy the scenery as a family.

We went right after the solstice, and Fairbanks is just a couple hundred miles south of the Arctic Circle, so there was a lot of sunlight. Technically, the sun set for a little over two hours every night, but it never dipped far enough below the horizon for the sky to actually get dark. Instead it was a kind of twilight that was really surreal the couple of times I glimpsed it. Despite the lack of night, or maybe because of it, since the hotel room had blackout curtains, Gavin slept like a champ for the entire trip. He took two solid naps every day, which gave me plenty of time to read and watch mindless TV while Kevin was working. The flip side of that is that I spent a lot of time confined to a hotel room with a sleeping baby, but that's not such a bad way to spend a vacation.

That frame of mind is helped by the fact that there isn't a ton to do in Fairbanks, especially without a car. The downtown area is small. Even with my limited time I managed to visit every shop and museum and almost every restaurant. We spent a morning at the children's museum, which had a play area for toddlers. Gavin was a little too young for it, but it was a nice change of pace.

With Kevin along we ventured a little farther out. We took a riverboat cruise and learned about the history of the area. We visited a park that had a number of museums and attractions in addition to the playgrounds and grassy areas. Gavin even got to go on his first train ride around the park. We also went on a short hike around a lake and stopped off at the North Pole. Gavin was sleeping, so we didn't get a picture of him with Santa, but we'll get one this Christmas.

It was a nice, relaxing vacation, and it was fun to see Alaska. I was surprised by how much it reminded me of Colorado, except without the mountains. The climate and wildlife were so similar to what I grew up with that I wasn't as awed as I probably ought to have been. I was surprised at how warm it was, and was especially weirded out that it kept getting warmer late into the day. When the sun doesn't set until after midnight, the temperature is still rising at dinner-time. I'm used to it cooling off by then.

With this trip, Gavin has completed his tour of the non contiguous United States, traveling as far north and west as Kevin and I have ever been. Too bad he won't remember any of it. I guess we'll just have to go back when he's older.

End of Summer

Once again summer has come and gone and I've barely updated this blog. Okay, I haven't written at all. I've mostly managed to keep up with my book blog, but even that has been something of a chore. I go in bursts, writing five or six reviews at once before letting them pile up again.

I suppose this isn't entirely unprecedented. I've had dry spells with this blog before and always managed to come back to it. But none were this long. And I'm left wondering if something fundamental has changed.

The thing is that I want to write. There a bunch of things I keep meaning to blog about: our trips to Alaska, Lake Anna, and Charleston. My first night away from Gavin. All of the cool things Gavin is doing. My feelings about being a parent and what has changed and what hasn't. But first off, it's almost impossible to find time to sit with my computer anymore. And second off, whenever I do find the time, I end up just staring a blank document for a while before I click away to Facebook. It doesn't matter how many entries I compose in my head, the second I find time to write it all flees.

But I've found the time now. The question is whether this is a resurrection or a death rattle. Will I keep going, or will this blog stand as a memorial to a former chapter in my life. Can I find the time and effort to maintain it or should I just let it go?

As much as I've neglected it lately, I'm not ready to stop just yet. I've made some changes in my life that I'm hoping will let me get back to blogging. I've started taking the train to work again instead of driving. It's a slightly longer commute, but it gives me more time to read. That should give me some time back overall - if I'm reading on the train every day maybe I won't be compelled to pick up a book every time I find myself with an extra twenty minutes. I'm also adjusting my work schedule - moving up to five 6-hour days instead of three. Gavin will be in daycare full time, I'll be working more, but I think I might actually end up with more free time. I'll have two extra afternoons a week without Gavin, and that time is way more reliable than his naps.

It's true that parenthood changes you in unexpected ways. I'm much more willing to go out now, to sacrifice a little sleep because I know I can. I was out with neighbors until 11 last Wednesday, and I have tickets to a weekday concert with my brother later in September. It will be my first concert since college, and I'm actually looking forward to it. Maybe because, without Gavin along, it will actually feel more like a night off than a night on.

I'm also more organized - I have to be. I'm better at staying on top of the housework, because I'm so scared of falling behind on it. I'm worse at sleeping but better at functioning on less sleep. Now that I'm sharing all of my food with Gavin, I think I'm eating better, but I'm also trying not to worry about it too much. More fruits and veggies, sure, but there's nothing wrong with the occasionally deep-fried or smothered-in-cheese meal.

With all these changes, I'm hoping that my desire to write sticks with me. I still have dreams and goals in that direction, though they seem a bit farther off now than they did a year or two ago. Right now my biggest goal is to finish my DS9 rewatch before the new Star Trek series premieres, and I'm not sure I'll be able to. Twelve episodes in three and a half weeks should be a piece of cake, but carving out that time is proving tricky. Especially since I've started playing the new Zelda game and am devoting every spare minute to that. But Kevin's taking it with him on his next business trip, and I'll need something to fill the void.

So this is where we stand. There are a million things I want to write about. Thoughts and feelings and records. I want to get them down before they slip away for good. I also want to enjoy every minute with my kid while I can. I'll find the balance. I'm finding it every day.

Milestones

In the past couple of weeks Gavin has hit a bunch of milestones that are pushing him closer to toddler territory. He's still definitely a baby. But sometimes I get glimpses of the kid he's going to be. These days are slipping by, and it's all happening too fast.

He finally cut his first tooth and is working on the second one. Granted, this isn't a sign of impending toddler-dom. If anything, he started teething much later than most babies. But it means that he's eating more solid foods now. More often than not we give him a little bit of whatever we're eating for dinner. He seems to like it more than the pre-packaged Gerber meals. He doesn't get a lot of his nutrients this way - the dog probably eats more of his dinner than he does. It's fun to watch him try new flavors, though, and to learn about new foods.

He's also a lot better at balancing now, which means he can sit for longer periods of time. We can finally put him in high chairs at restaurants and in the shopping cart. It makes grocery shopping and Target runs a lot easier (I don't have to limit myself to a basket).

Finally, Gavin has gotten disconcertingly good at pulling himself up. Considering how long it took him to crawl, I wasn't expecting this to happen so quickly. I blame it partially on the flight to Alaska. While stuck in his car seat for 6 hours, Gavin discovered the third dimension and started climbing all over the place out of boredom. A few days later he was pulling up on the couch in the hotel, and now he can pretty much climb onto the couch in our basement. It doesn't help my nerves that he's fearless. He's determined to stand up without hanging onto to a couch or bed. So he'll often turn and let go, only to sit down suddenly. I've also seen him attempting to stand without the aid of furniture, but his balance isn't quite there yet. I know it's only a matter of time before he's walking, and it looks like that might happen sooner than I was expecting.

It's fun watching him grow and learn new things. It's also exhausting, chasing him around constantly. I have to keep a much closer eye on him than ever before. At least the animals are both being patient with him. It helps that they can still get out of his range when he gets to be too much. I wonder how patient they'll be when he can keep up with them.