It is astounding to me how easy it has become to fall behind on this blog. I used to get antsy if I went a week without posting. Now every time I turn around it seems like another month has gone by. I'm hoping this is a temporary thing. I'd hate to have this blog fall by the wayside completely. Especially because I enjoy going back and reading old entries and reminiscing about vacations and such. This is probably going to be the best record of the beginning of my kid's life, and if I fail to update it I'm worried that I'll just lose a lot of those memories.
But for now, the lack of updates is definitely due to my pregnancy, which is sapping all of my energy. It doesn't really help that I've also had a really busy social life lately on top of a weird work schedule that's leaving me more exhausted and stressed than normal. I find myself having to choose between walking the dog and washing the dishes or cooking dinner, because I literally only have the energy to do one thing after work before I just collapse on the couch and fall asleep.
Luckily Kevin is around to pick up a lot of the slack. His final work trip got pushed back far enough that he couldn't go. Which means that he's home to cook dinner and walk Kina and just generally do everything that involves standing and walking.
Today, though, I have the day off work. And I got a full 8 hours of sleep last night. And the house is almost clean (I'm about halfway through a sink full of dishes, but I had to sit down). So I'm devoting the day and my limited brain power to getting as caught up on this blog (and my book reviews) as I can.
My work schedule has been crazy. Well, not that crazy. But stressful. Especially for someone running on 6-7 hours of sleep a night. Which I know doesn't sound that bad, but I fall apart pretty quickly without 8 hours. The problem is that I don't have any PTO left that isn't devoted to maternity leave, and my company (well, HR) has been very resistant to me taking unpaid leave. So to deal with all the doctors appointments, both planned and unplanned, I've been working 9 hour days to build up as much of a buffer as I can. This pay period it happened to work out that I was able to use that time to get an extra day off. More typically though I've been working til 7 one night so I can leave at 4 another day. And since my commute takes anywhere between 45 minutes and 1.5 hours, (and sitting in the car is murder on my back lately), it's hard to get anything else done on work days. I try to use the weekends to catch up, but that doesn't always work out either.
The pregnancy itself is going alright. The kid is moving and there aren't any major health complications. I've been sleeping on the couch for weeks now, because it's easier on my back. I really miss the bed. But every time I try to sleep there, I wake up with my back muscles so tight that I'm having trouble breathing. Someday I'll be able to sleep in the bed again. In the meantime, I'm just moving slowly and trying to remember to eat healthy and counting down the weeks until I can finally put the kid down for five minutes.
And then the rest of my life has also been crazy busy. But that's the subject of another blog entry.
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Friday, September 16, 2016
Friday, May 30, 2014
The 17%
Google recently released data on the demographics of their staff in an effort to be more transparent and to be held accountable for their diversity. They certainly have a long way to go to achieve equality, but it's good that they're trying. One of the numbers caught my attention immediately. When I saw it, I was struck with that weird mixture of disappointment and lack of surprise that is becoming all too familiar.
Google's tech force is made up of 17% women. Why did that number catch my eye? It was brought up in an NPR program that got a lot of attention about a year ago. The transcript can be found here. The take away is that that number - 17% - is an unsettlingly common number. It is, by and large, the number of professional women currently working in traditionally male-dominated fields.
17% of Hollywood film directors are women. 17% of US Senators are women. 17% of engineers, surgeons, professors, etc are women. Do a bit of digging, and you'll see this number everywhere.
More interestingly, 17% of people in crowd scenes in movies or television shows are women.
Recent psychological studies have found that most men perceive this as equality. When a group's ratio is 83 men to 17 women, the men are likely to say that there are as many women present as men. When women speak 17% of the time, men are likely to say that the women talked just as much as the men. And a worrying fact: when women speak 30% of the time, men start to complain that they were dominating the conversation. We have been conditioned to view 17% as good enough, to view anything approaching true equality as greed.
I should acknowledge that this is better than it was a generation ago. We have made great strides since my mom and my aunt were the only women in their respective offices. But I'm one of only five women in my office. We each get our own private stall in the bathroom, a perk I would gladly trade in to have some more female faces around me.
It actually feels like it's gotten worse the farther I've gone in my career. My college class was 25% female. Not great, but a good sight better than the 17% (or less) I deal with now. In fact, six years after I graduated, my alma mater achieved a 50-50 student body, and even graduated three more female engineers than male engineers. But they aren't making it into the workplace. At least not yet.
There are a number of reasons for this. Partly it's that they aren't being hired. Not through overt sexism, but because of a more insidious variant. A resume with a male name is likely to be seen as representing a more qualified individual than a resume with a female name, even if the two resumes are identical. A man being interviewed seems like a better fit for a company than his female counterpart, for some undefinable reason. Let's call it "culture".
There's also evidence that women aren't applying for as many jobs as men because of one of the sneakier aspects of sexism that I've only recently become aware of. Apparently women are likely to apply to a job only if they feel that they meet 100% of the requirements in the job description, whereas men will take a chance if they meet 60% of the requirements. This speaks to issues with self-esteem, confidence, and even arrogance. Of course, many companies are satisfied with that 60%, and they hire one of the men who applied as opposed to one of the women who didn't.
Then there are the cultural elements, something President Klawe identified and worked really hard to overcome at Harvey Mudd. Even if you're qualified to go to a school or take a job, many women will be put off by a student body or staff that is overwhelmingly male. Even if there's a lot of support for women, and a genuine effort to provide opportunities. My company is great about this, and I feel wholly supported there. It doesn't change the fact that when I interviewed I met with four men, and the only woman I saw the entire day was the head of HR. That leaves a distinct impression, and if there's an option to go somewhere more egalitarian, even if it's less prestigious or offers less money, the environment might make that trade off worth it.
Finally, there's the drop off effect. Women dropping out of college or PhD programs because the constant sexism becomes too grating. Women leaving careers in technical fields because they're sick of all the extra work that goes into being one of only a few women. Being constantly surrounded by men is exhausting. You're always on guard for them to make a sexist joke, wondering how to respond to one when it happens. Is it better to be a meek pushover or a feminist killjoy? Better to network and be on good terms with your coworkers or focus on your work and seek promotion based solely on your own merit? And what happens when you see man after unqualified man promoted ahead of you for a slew of reasons that are difficult to untangle and articulate?
Half of the things that happen to me in office barely even register as strange or uncalled-for. Until I share a story with my female friends and see the look of horror on their faces.
What's to be done? In college, we made a concerted effort to unite the women living in our dorm. And in our time there we saw a huge shift in the culture of our dorm, one that resulted in more women willingly moving into our dorm. But these were people I lived with, people I saw every day. An effort like that at my day job, where I really am supposed to be working instead of socializing, feels daunting. As does specifically recruiting more women, which by the way is not in my job description.
At the same time doing nothing feels cowardly. Like I'm betraying my gender, my future children. Watching that number stagnate is disheartening, though I can always hope that things will get better. But how long will that take? Will my (hypothetical) daughter be struggling with these same issues thirty years from now? Will we have merely jumped from 17% to 30%? Or will we be able, in that time, to actually create a diverse corporate world that reflects the realities of the world we spend the rest of our lives in?
There aren't any easy answers. It's hard to know where to start. At the moment I'm so exhausted (by this, by the recent Isla Vista shooting, by the prospect of another summer dominated by male action heroes) that I hardly want to do anything. But the pendulum will swing, I'll befriend the new woman on my team at work, and things will get easier again. They say it's best to attack these things from a place of strength. Until I get there I'll just rant on my blog.
Google's tech force is made up of 17% women. Why did that number catch my eye? It was brought up in an NPR program that got a lot of attention about a year ago. The transcript can be found here. The take away is that that number - 17% - is an unsettlingly common number. It is, by and large, the number of professional women currently working in traditionally male-dominated fields.
17% of Hollywood film directors are women. 17% of US Senators are women. 17% of engineers, surgeons, professors, etc are women. Do a bit of digging, and you'll see this number everywhere.
More interestingly, 17% of people in crowd scenes in movies or television shows are women.
Recent psychological studies have found that most men perceive this as equality. When a group's ratio is 83 men to 17 women, the men are likely to say that there are as many women present as men. When women speak 17% of the time, men are likely to say that the women talked just as much as the men. And a worrying fact: when women speak 30% of the time, men start to complain that they were dominating the conversation. We have been conditioned to view 17% as good enough, to view anything approaching true equality as greed.
I should acknowledge that this is better than it was a generation ago. We have made great strides since my mom and my aunt were the only women in their respective offices. But I'm one of only five women in my office. We each get our own private stall in the bathroom, a perk I would gladly trade in to have some more female faces around me.
It actually feels like it's gotten worse the farther I've gone in my career. My college class was 25% female. Not great, but a good sight better than the 17% (or less) I deal with now. In fact, six years after I graduated, my alma mater achieved a 50-50 student body, and even graduated three more female engineers than male engineers. But they aren't making it into the workplace. At least not yet.
There are a number of reasons for this. Partly it's that they aren't being hired. Not through overt sexism, but because of a more insidious variant. A resume with a male name is likely to be seen as representing a more qualified individual than a resume with a female name, even if the two resumes are identical. A man being interviewed seems like a better fit for a company than his female counterpart, for some undefinable reason. Let's call it "culture".
There's also evidence that women aren't applying for as many jobs as men because of one of the sneakier aspects of sexism that I've only recently become aware of. Apparently women are likely to apply to a job only if they feel that they meet 100% of the requirements in the job description, whereas men will take a chance if they meet 60% of the requirements. This speaks to issues with self-esteem, confidence, and even arrogance. Of course, many companies are satisfied with that 60%, and they hire one of the men who applied as opposed to one of the women who didn't.
Then there are the cultural elements, something President Klawe identified and worked really hard to overcome at Harvey Mudd. Even if you're qualified to go to a school or take a job, many women will be put off by a student body or staff that is overwhelmingly male. Even if there's a lot of support for women, and a genuine effort to provide opportunities. My company is great about this, and I feel wholly supported there. It doesn't change the fact that when I interviewed I met with four men, and the only woman I saw the entire day was the head of HR. That leaves a distinct impression, and if there's an option to go somewhere more egalitarian, even if it's less prestigious or offers less money, the environment might make that trade off worth it.
Finally, there's the drop off effect. Women dropping out of college or PhD programs because the constant sexism becomes too grating. Women leaving careers in technical fields because they're sick of all the extra work that goes into being one of only a few women. Being constantly surrounded by men is exhausting. You're always on guard for them to make a sexist joke, wondering how to respond to one when it happens. Is it better to be a meek pushover or a feminist killjoy? Better to network and be on good terms with your coworkers or focus on your work and seek promotion based solely on your own merit? And what happens when you see man after unqualified man promoted ahead of you for a slew of reasons that are difficult to untangle and articulate?
Half of the things that happen to me in office barely even register as strange or uncalled-for. Until I share a story with my female friends and see the look of horror on their faces.
What's to be done? In college, we made a concerted effort to unite the women living in our dorm. And in our time there we saw a huge shift in the culture of our dorm, one that resulted in more women willingly moving into our dorm. But these were people I lived with, people I saw every day. An effort like that at my day job, where I really am supposed to be working instead of socializing, feels daunting. As does specifically recruiting more women, which by the way is not in my job description.
At the same time doing nothing feels cowardly. Like I'm betraying my gender, my future children. Watching that number stagnate is disheartening, though I can always hope that things will get better. But how long will that take? Will my (hypothetical) daughter be struggling with these same issues thirty years from now? Will we have merely jumped from 17% to 30%? Or will we be able, in that time, to actually create a diverse corporate world that reflects the realities of the world we spend the rest of our lives in?
There aren't any easy answers. It's hard to know where to start. At the moment I'm so exhausted (by this, by the recent Isla Vista shooting, by the prospect of another summer dominated by male action heroes) that I hardly want to do anything. But the pendulum will swing, I'll befriend the new woman on my team at work, and things will get easier again. They say it's best to attack these things from a place of strength. Until I get there I'll just rant on my blog.
Saturday, September 14, 2013
New Tech
I'm several years behind the trend, but I finally got a iPad. From which I am writing this blog post, as a matter of fact.
Since I got the iPad from work, I'm mostly supposed to be using it for work. But given the nature of my job, that's rather difficult. So I've mostly just been playing with it and using it to make my own life easier.
The first night was pretty rough. This is the first apple product I've ever owned (aside from an early generation iPod) and the OS is very different from the Windows and Droid OSes I've become accustomed to. I spent several hours on the couch yelling at the iPad while Kevin laughed at me. Why is there no back button? Why do I need to enter my credit card info to download Chrome? How do I get rid of all these apps I don't want? Why is everything wiggling now? What do you mean you need my password again? I just entered it five times in a row.
But I persevered. I continued to play with the iPad and get used to a new set of shortcuts. One of my coworkers showed me a few things that I never would have figured out on my own, like locking the screen position and the need to close apps manually to save battery life. And slowly the good started to outweigh the bad.
There are a lot of things that are easier to do on the tablet than on my phone. Some apps, like blogger, work a lot better. As do most websites. I've been really impressed by the battery life, too, though I suspect a lot of that is because I don't have 3G. Being tethered to wireless networks has been more than adequate for my needs, though.
I've been getting some work functionality out of it. I can use it to take notes in meetings which has been surprisingly useful. And hooking up my work email means that I rarely need to bring my laptop home with me anymore, which is definitely a plus.
It hasn't all been perfect. There's still some functionality that I wish was present. Most importantly a sticky note or check list that I can stick on the home screen. I've gotten in the habit of leaving to do lists for myself on my phone's home screen, which ensures that I see them every time I use my phone. Having it hidden away in an app makes it too easy to forget about which makes it pointless. The home screen is also less customizable than I prefer. It doesn't let me just put apps anywhere I want or add calendar and weather widgets.
I also wish I could turn the GPS off, which is probably more of a paranoia thing than anything else. I can still be tracked through the wireless networks I'm connected to. But something about this device knowing exactly where I am all the time is a bit off putting, especially when apps that have no business knowing my location - things like IMDB and Netflix - then have access to it.
Still I can see the tablet replacing a lot of what I've been using my phone for. I'm considering downgrading to a dumb phone the next time my contract comes up for renewal and using the saved money to get a tablet. I'll probably switch back to a droid OS in that case, since it would have the customizability I'm currently missing. We'll see how things go in the next few months.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
New Job!
I've been meaning to make this post for a while. I've been at my new job for several weeks now, and I'm really enjoying it for lots of reasons. But by the time I get home each day, the last thing I want to do is get back on the computer. So the blog kind of got neglected.
My desire to stay off the computer stems from a few things. My shorter commute allows me less time to read, so I've been trying to read a bit more from home. I've also been thinking so hard at the new job, that once I get home I want to do something more passive, like watching TV, or easier on the eyes, like playing board games with Kevin. And I just like being away from the computer more. During my two week vacation I barely got on the computer at all, even to watch things on Hulu, and I liked being unplugged. So I'm trying to keep that up.
But I don't want to abandon the blog completely. I like writing about what I'm reading and doing the occasional life update. Now that I'm a bit more settled, I'm hoping to get back to more regular posting.
The new job really is fantastic. I'm actually enjoying having only one project to work on, as opposed to the 5-6 projects I've grown accustomed to splitting my time between. It makes it easier to explain what my job actually entails, and I have several different tasks which keeps me from getting bored or fatigued. The project also ties in with what my brother does in the Marines, which gives me a better sense of purpose than I've ever had before.
The people I work with are really nice, though I am having a little trouble breaking into the clique. I go to lunch with them every day and everyone's friendly. I just have a hard time socializing at work. I'm being paid to do my job, not hang out with people. So making friends is slow-going. I have confidence that it will, eventually, happen though.
The other perks of my job include a later start time and a fitness room on the premises that I have can access. I've been trying to run a mile every day after work. This was briefly interrupted last week when a stomach bug, but has otherwise been working out pretty well. Going for a jog after work has been a pretty great way to decompress from the day. The timing works out well, too. I'm able to sleep almost an hour later than I had been, go to work, jog a bit, and get home at roughly the same time as when I was working downtown. That time savings will hopefully keep me motivated on the workout front, though at the moment I'm just trying to establish a routine.
All in all life is good, if busy. I'm really glad I changed jobs. I feel like I'm in a much better environment now.
My desire to stay off the computer stems from a few things. My shorter commute allows me less time to read, so I've been trying to read a bit more from home. I've also been thinking so hard at the new job, that once I get home I want to do something more passive, like watching TV, or easier on the eyes, like playing board games with Kevin. And I just like being away from the computer more. During my two week vacation I barely got on the computer at all, even to watch things on Hulu, and I liked being unplugged. So I'm trying to keep that up.
But I don't want to abandon the blog completely. I like writing about what I'm reading and doing the occasional life update. Now that I'm a bit more settled, I'm hoping to get back to more regular posting.
The new job really is fantastic. I'm actually enjoying having only one project to work on, as opposed to the 5-6 projects I've grown accustomed to splitting my time between. It makes it easier to explain what my job actually entails, and I have several different tasks which keeps me from getting bored or fatigued. The project also ties in with what my brother does in the Marines, which gives me a better sense of purpose than I've ever had before.
The people I work with are really nice, though I am having a little trouble breaking into the clique. I go to lunch with them every day and everyone's friendly. I just have a hard time socializing at work. I'm being paid to do my job, not hang out with people. So making friends is slow-going. I have confidence that it will, eventually, happen though.
The other perks of my job include a later start time and a fitness room on the premises that I have can access. I've been trying to run a mile every day after work. This was briefly interrupted last week when a stomach bug, but has otherwise been working out pretty well. Going for a jog after work has been a pretty great way to decompress from the day. The timing works out well, too. I'm able to sleep almost an hour later than I had been, go to work, jog a bit, and get home at roughly the same time as when I was working downtown. That time savings will hopefully keep me motivated on the workout front, though at the moment I'm just trying to establish a routine.
All in all life is good, if busy. I'm really glad I changed jobs. I feel like I'm in a much better environment now.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
August
So...August kind of got away from me
I attended the wedding of my best friends and had an epic weekend
I went camping in Arizona with my dad's side of the family and played a ton of pinochle and won three games of Scrabble (it's nice to be able to beat someone at that game).
I re-read The Name of the Wind and The Wise Man's Fear and have a ton of speculation about what's going on.
I worked a lot and got put in charge of a proposal which is terrifying, but in a good way.
I basically failed to go to the gym. Between vacations, work, metro break downs, and a general sense of laziness, I think I managed to make it four times this month. There's always next month...
I figured out how OnDemand and HBOGo work on the TV (thanks Jen!) and spent a lot of time catching up on TV and movies. I fell in love with Political Animals and had fun watching Bunheads. I was pleasantly surprised by Crazy Stupid Love (though I could have done without the babysitter's uncomfortable love triangle) and a bit let down by Bridesmaids. I think my expectations were just too high on the last one.
And now I'm gearing up for Labor Day Weekend, during which my brother and cousin are coming to visit. But I'm hoping to get back to this blog and actually post some things in the near-ish future. Especially some of my thoughts on Rothfuss' books. I have a lot of thoughts about those books.
In the meantime, I'm glad the weather is finally cooling down. I'm ready for summer to be over and autumn to be here. The only thing I'm not looking forward to is walking the dog after the sun has set. I think I'll have to switch from walks in the (not lit) park to walks around the (better lit) neighborhood.
Anyway, this has been a post to let you know that I haven't abandoned the blog. Life just got in the way. And I needed some comfort, so I started re-reading books instead of seeking out new books. Sometimes you just need a familiar story to keep you grounded when everything else in life seems to be going crazy.
I attended the wedding of my best friends and had an epic weekend
I went camping in Arizona with my dad's side of the family and played a ton of pinochle and won three games of Scrabble (it's nice to be able to beat someone at that game).
I re-read The Name of the Wind and The Wise Man's Fear and have a ton of speculation about what's going on.
I worked a lot and got put in charge of a proposal which is terrifying, but in a good way.
I basically failed to go to the gym. Between vacations, work, metro break downs, and a general sense of laziness, I think I managed to make it four times this month. There's always next month...
I figured out how OnDemand and HBOGo work on the TV (thanks Jen!) and spent a lot of time catching up on TV and movies. I fell in love with Political Animals and had fun watching Bunheads. I was pleasantly surprised by Crazy Stupid Love (though I could have done without the babysitter's uncomfortable love triangle) and a bit let down by Bridesmaids. I think my expectations were just too high on the last one.
And now I'm gearing up for Labor Day Weekend, during which my brother and cousin are coming to visit. But I'm hoping to get back to this blog and actually post some things in the near-ish future. Especially some of my thoughts on Rothfuss' books. I have a lot of thoughts about those books.
In the meantime, I'm glad the weather is finally cooling down. I'm ready for summer to be over and autumn to be here. The only thing I'm not looking forward to is walking the dog after the sun has set. I think I'll have to switch from walks in the (not lit) park to walks around the (better lit) neighborhood.
Anyway, this has been a post to let you know that I haven't abandoned the blog. Life just got in the way. And I needed some comfort, so I started re-reading books instead of seeking out new books. Sometimes you just need a familiar story to keep you grounded when everything else in life seems to be going crazy.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Workaholic Culture
I don't really know the other people in my office that well. My company is spread over several cities, and most of the people I work with day to day are in a different city than me. I see the people in my office in the halls every day. But since I don't work directly with them it's hard to get to know them.
Occasionally there are happy hours, which I make an effort to go to. And sometimes a group will go out to lunch. But that doesn't exactly help. Everyone in my office eats lunch at their desk. Even when they go out with other people. It's a little weird.
For example, this morning one of my coworkers stopped by to ask if I wanted to go get burgers for lunch. burger sounded good, so I said yes. He emailed me an order form for the restaurant and told me to specify the pick up time at 1:15. I filled out the form and paid for my burger.
At 1:10, a few of us gathered in the lobby. We walked two blocks to the burger joint, picked up our burgers, and walked back to the office. At the office, everyone went back to their separate offices to enjoy what was reportedly the best burger in DC. Of course we talked on the walk to and from the restaurant, but there's only so much you can say while walking in a group on a crowded city street.
So maybe it makes sense that I don't really know anyone in my office. It'd be nice if getting lunch with someone could last long enough for a conversation to occur.
Occasionally there are happy hours, which I make an effort to go to. And sometimes a group will go out to lunch. But that doesn't exactly help. Everyone in my office eats lunch at their desk. Even when they go out with other people. It's a little weird.
For example, this morning one of my coworkers stopped by to ask if I wanted to go get burgers for lunch. burger sounded good, so I said yes. He emailed me an order form for the restaurant and told me to specify the pick up time at 1:15. I filled out the form and paid for my burger.
At 1:10, a few of us gathered in the lobby. We walked two blocks to the burger joint, picked up our burgers, and walked back to the office. At the office, everyone went back to their separate offices to enjoy what was reportedly the best burger in DC. Of course we talked on the walk to and from the restaurant, but there's only so much you can say while walking in a group on a crowded city street.
So maybe it makes sense that I don't really know anyone in my office. It'd be nice if getting lunch with someone could last long enough for a conversation to occur.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
The Best Laid Plans
I fully intended to go to game night every week this month. But I think the universe doesn't want me to have friends.
Two weeks ago I actually went to two game nights, one on Tuesday and one on Friday. Then last week work exploded. I found out that I have about a million things due at the end of the month and I got approved for a bunch of overtime. The good news is that this means more money, which is always handy when you're moving. The ban news is that I ran out of spare time.
Both last week and this week I was at the office or working at home so late that going to game night at all would have been pointless. Next week I'll be in Rhode Island and the week after that I'll by in NYC. So I guess I'll try to pick the game nights back up in July when I (hopefully) have time again.
For now it's on to Plan B.
This Friday, Can't Stop the Serenity is having it's annual event in Arlington. I found out about this last year, but not until after the Virginia event. Basically, you pay $15 to watch Serenity with a bunch of Browncoats. All the money goes to various charities supported by Joss, like Equality Now! So, worst case scenario is I drink a beer and watch an awesome movie. Best case scenario is I meet a few fellow Whedonites in the area. Honestly, that's not a bad worst case scenario. And when it comes to the Whedon-verse, I have no shortage of small talk.
Take that universe.
Two weeks ago I actually went to two game nights, one on Tuesday and one on Friday. Then last week work exploded. I found out that I have about a million things due at the end of the month and I got approved for a bunch of overtime. The good news is that this means more money, which is always handy when you're moving. The ban news is that I ran out of spare time.
Both last week and this week I was at the office or working at home so late that going to game night at all would have been pointless. Next week I'll be in Rhode Island and the week after that I'll by in NYC. So I guess I'll try to pick the game nights back up in July when I (hopefully) have time again.
For now it's on to Plan B.
This Friday, Can't Stop the Serenity is having it's annual event in Arlington. I found out about this last year, but not until after the Virginia event. Basically, you pay $15 to watch Serenity with a bunch of Browncoats. All the money goes to various charities supported by Joss, like Equality Now! So, worst case scenario is I drink a beer and watch an awesome movie. Best case scenario is I meet a few fellow Whedonites in the area. Honestly, that's not a bad worst case scenario. And when it comes to the Whedon-verse, I have no shortage of small talk.
Take that universe.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
One is Silver and the Other's Gold
It recently came to my attention that I've now been living in Virginia for over a year and have yet to make a single friend. Which sounds sad when you actually come out and say it. It's not that I don't have any friends, it's just that I don't have any friends here. Mostly, I'd rather read or watch TV than try to be social. I can go several days without craving human contact, which means that my motivation to meet new people is pretty low. But my social life lately basically revolves around Boyfriend and his friends and family, and that isn't entirely fair to Boyfriend.
The problem is that making friends is hard. And exhausting. And terrifying. I have to find a place to go, work up the energy to go out, figure out how to introduce myself to someone, make small talk, and eventually exchange contact information. Then I have to wait for them to call me or somehow figure out a way to call them and invite them to something. Which involves coming up with an activity I think might be mutually enjoyable and trying to find that balance between calling too soon and waiting too long. And every single one of these steps requires a ton of energy and a million opportunities for me to embarrass myself and I usually end up paralyzed by social anxiety and decide to just watch some TV instead. Buffy can't make fun of me.
Realizing that I've been stuck in this pattern for over a year sent me spiraling into a bit of a depression, hence the recent increase in book reviews. But moping around won't make me any friends. And those hypothetical future friends will be worth the ridiculous amount of anxiety I must overcome to meet them. Right?
Boyfriend is going to be out of town for the entire month of June, and I'm going to use that time to try and meet people. This has not gone well in the past. I left an alumni happy hour in tears because I couldn't think of one single thing to say to anyone. I occasionally go out with my co-workers, but usually end up listening to conversations instead of joining them. I joined a book club but didn't want to talk about the same things as the other members. I tried to join a ballet class, but I only made it to one class because getting home and eating dinner before 7 consistently is really freaking hard.
But the time has come to pick myself up and try again. I discovered a board game night at a local game store that looks feasible. They have weekly meetings that go until 10, so I'm making an effort to go to that every week.
I actually kicked off this Make New Friends project last night when I inadvertently scheduled myself for two social activities. A coworker was leaving to join Teach For America which necessitated a happy hour, and I had agreed to attend my first game night.
The happy hour was pretty much a failure. I got a glass of wine and tried to join a conversation, any conversation. Eventually three separate conversations had sprung up around me, and none of them involved me. I tried to at least pay attention to one so I could jump in. But I have so little in common with the people I work with and such a vast inability to operate in a group setting that this never happened.
I'm great one-on-one. But throw another person or two into the conversation and it takes most of my mental capability to follow the conversation, try and come up with something to say, and double check that it's not stupid or awkward. This process takes long enough that I usually miss my opportunity to speak. Sometimes I can keep up for a couple of minutes, but it never lasts. It's much easier for me to express myself in writing, since I have time to read through and edit myself a few times before anyone else sees it. I can complete ideas without being interrupted and follow my train of thought wherever it leads.
Anyone who's ever gotten high with me can tell you that I stop talking. I simply lose the ability to both follow the conversation around me and contribute to it. And the THC-induced paranoia only increases my natural anxiety that I will say or do something stupid. Which is ridiculous when everyone is high and doing/saying stupid things, but there you go. The self-hatred this situation inspires in me is a big part of why I no longer smoke. (The fact that I would also lose my job helps me maintain that decision.)
Unfortunately, that same self-hatred is now causing me to avoid social situations altogether. That's not a good thing.
Anyway, the happy hour was a bust, but game night was better. I learned a new game with a complicated enough strategy that it carried the conversation through the night. I didn't have to invent small talk, because I could ask what might happen if I played here instead of there. I met three people and exchanged emails with one. Less than an hour after I got home, he sent me information about a few other board game nights in the area. So I'm calling this one a success. And I think I actually managed to make a friend. Good conversation + shared interest + invitation to future activity = friend, right?
I think the board game night is going to be more successful than any of my previous endeavors. I didn't find myself awkwardly at a loss during conversation, and I didn't want to smack anyone I met. And it fits into my schedule pretty nicely. So I'll keep this up and see where it leads.
The problem is that making friends is hard. And exhausting. And terrifying. I have to find a place to go, work up the energy to go out, figure out how to introduce myself to someone, make small talk, and eventually exchange contact information. Then I have to wait for them to call me or somehow figure out a way to call them and invite them to something. Which involves coming up with an activity I think might be mutually enjoyable and trying to find that balance between calling too soon and waiting too long. And every single one of these steps requires a ton of energy and a million opportunities for me to embarrass myself and I usually end up paralyzed by social anxiety and decide to just watch some TV instead. Buffy can't make fun of me.
Realizing that I've been stuck in this pattern for over a year sent me spiraling into a bit of a depression, hence the recent increase in book reviews. But moping around won't make me any friends. And those hypothetical future friends will be worth the ridiculous amount of anxiety I must overcome to meet them. Right?
Boyfriend is going to be out of town for the entire month of June, and I'm going to use that time to try and meet people. This has not gone well in the past. I left an alumni happy hour in tears because I couldn't think of one single thing to say to anyone. I occasionally go out with my co-workers, but usually end up listening to conversations instead of joining them. I joined a book club but didn't want to talk about the same things as the other members. I tried to join a ballet class, but I only made it to one class because getting home and eating dinner before 7 consistently is really freaking hard.
But the time has come to pick myself up and try again. I discovered a board game night at a local game store that looks feasible. They have weekly meetings that go until 10, so I'm making an effort to go to that every week.
I actually kicked off this Make New Friends project last night when I inadvertently scheduled myself for two social activities. A coworker was leaving to join Teach For America which necessitated a happy hour, and I had agreed to attend my first game night.
The happy hour was pretty much a failure. I got a glass of wine and tried to join a conversation, any conversation. Eventually three separate conversations had sprung up around me, and none of them involved me. I tried to at least pay attention to one so I could jump in. But I have so little in common with the people I work with and such a vast inability to operate in a group setting that this never happened.
I'm great one-on-one. But throw another person or two into the conversation and it takes most of my mental capability to follow the conversation, try and come up with something to say, and double check that it's not stupid or awkward. This process takes long enough that I usually miss my opportunity to speak. Sometimes I can keep up for a couple of minutes, but it never lasts. It's much easier for me to express myself in writing, since I have time to read through and edit myself a few times before anyone else sees it. I can complete ideas without being interrupted and follow my train of thought wherever it leads.
Anyone who's ever gotten high with me can tell you that I stop talking. I simply lose the ability to both follow the conversation around me and contribute to it. And the THC-induced paranoia only increases my natural anxiety that I will say or do something stupid. Which is ridiculous when everyone is high and doing/saying stupid things, but there you go. The self-hatred this situation inspires in me is a big part of why I no longer smoke. (The fact that I would also lose my job helps me maintain that decision.)
Unfortunately, that same self-hatred is now causing me to avoid social situations altogether. That's not a good thing.
Anyway, the happy hour was a bust, but game night was better. I learned a new game with a complicated enough strategy that it carried the conversation through the night. I didn't have to invent small talk, because I could ask what might happen if I played here instead of there. I met three people and exchanged emails with one. Less than an hour after I got home, he sent me information about a few other board game nights in the area. So I'm calling this one a success. And I think I actually managed to make a friend. Good conversation + shared interest + invitation to future activity = friend, right?
I think the board game night is going to be more successful than any of my previous endeavors. I didn't find myself awkwardly at a loss during conversation, and I didn't want to smack anyone I met. And it fits into my schedule pretty nicely. So I'll keep this up and see where it leads.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Update
I haven't been blogging lately (except for my Buffy meme updates). I don't know if any of you even care or not. But I'll try not to abandon this thing completely. Work has gotten a lot busier and a lot better. This has left me with less time to whine and fewer things to whine about.
My boss left the company at the beginning of the month. This was sad, but my new boss is awesome (and the exact person I was hoping would be promoted to the position). We met after her promotion and she managed to make me feel a lot better about my position in the company and my future with it. Also, a bunch of my projects have deliverables soon. This accounts for the sudden business of my life. It also makes me feel like I'm actually accomplishing something. Work is still frustrating, but it's the good kind of frustrating now.
Also, Boyfriend and I are starting to look at houses. Everything is still very up in the air and our plans are pretty vague. We went to a bunch of open houses this weekend (and I am planning to write a post about some of the ridiculous houses we got to tour) and I'm suddenly really excited about the idea of a house. Which means I'm far more inclined to keep my current job with it's nice paycheck.
I think I've been in a slump or a rut for the past couple of months and I'm starting to come out of it. Hopefully this trend continues. My job really is awesome and I'm pretty excited to keep it at this point.
My boss left the company at the beginning of the month. This was sad, but my new boss is awesome (and the exact person I was hoping would be promoted to the position). We met after her promotion and she managed to make me feel a lot better about my position in the company and my future with it. Also, a bunch of my projects have deliverables soon. This accounts for the sudden business of my life. It also makes me feel like I'm actually accomplishing something. Work is still frustrating, but it's the good kind of frustrating now.
Also, Boyfriend and I are starting to look at houses. Everything is still very up in the air and our plans are pretty vague. We went to a bunch of open houses this weekend (and I am planning to write a post about some of the ridiculous houses we got to tour) and I'm suddenly really excited about the idea of a house. Which means I'm far more inclined to keep my current job with it's nice paycheck.
I think I've been in a slump or a rut for the past couple of months and I'm starting to come out of it. Hopefully this trend continues. My job really is awesome and I'm pretty excited to keep it at this point.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Today
6:00 AM: Drag self out of bed. Deal with that horrible thing called morning
8:20 AM: Arrive at work. Discover I have a meeting at 8:30. Grateful the train wasn't delayed this morning
9:00 AM Break through on project I've been stuck on for a week and a half. Frustration turns to triumph, and I can now deal with the mountain of stuff that needs to get done
10:00 - noon: interviews
noon - 2:00 PM management class (yawn)
2:00 PM Realize just how behind I am. Work frantically
4:00 PM Meeting for project I haven't even thought about in two weeks. Manager is blessedly understanding
6:00 PM Leave office and pick up birth control refill. Discover that with new insurance it costs 50% more. Grumble
6:20 PM At metro station. Decide I was too harsh on Amber Benson in my review yesterday. Continue reading Serpent's Storm to see if she redeems herself
6:25 PM She doesn't. Switch to The Book Thief. I love my kindle. Train arrives
6:45 PM: On metro, crying over The Book Thief. This book is breaking my heart in a good way.
7:00 PM: Grocery shopping. Cheese and blackberries.
7:30 PM Home, dinner, and blog.
Next, musicals and more work. Until I drop probably.
But that's OK.
A year ago today I was fired. With the anniversary out of the way, I'm calmer than I have been in days. Possibly weeks.
It was the best thing that could have happened.
8:20 AM: Arrive at work. Discover I have a meeting at 8:30. Grateful the train wasn't delayed this morning
9:00 AM Break through on project I've been stuck on for a week and a half. Frustration turns to triumph, and I can now deal with the mountain of stuff that needs to get done
10:00 - noon: interviews
noon - 2:00 PM management class (yawn)
2:00 PM Realize just how behind I am. Work frantically
4:00 PM Meeting for project I haven't even thought about in two weeks. Manager is blessedly understanding
6:00 PM Leave office and pick up birth control refill. Discover that with new insurance it costs 50% more. Grumble
6:20 PM At metro station. Decide I was too harsh on Amber Benson in my review yesterday. Continue reading Serpent's Storm to see if she redeems herself
6:25 PM She doesn't. Switch to The Book Thief. I love my kindle. Train arrives
6:45 PM: On metro, crying over The Book Thief. This book is breaking my heart in a good way.
7:00 PM: Grocery shopping. Cheese and blackberries.
7:30 PM Home, dinner, and blog.
Next, musicals and more work. Until I drop probably.
But that's OK.
A year ago today I was fired. With the anniversary out of the way, I'm calmer than I have been in days. Possibly weeks.
It was the best thing that could have happened.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Wear Sunscreen
Last week I spent all day outside on a marine base in the California sunshine. I remembered to put sunscreen everywhere except my part.
This isn't the first time I've neglected this part of my body. It's not even the worst. When I was fourteen I took a Disney Cruise in the Bahamas and got those cornrow braids (I was so cool when I was fourteen). Fifteen braids meant fourteen parts, none with sunscreen. It looked like I had dandruff for a week.
If I learned one thing from this experience, it's that you shouldn't scratch your head after you've gotten a massive sunburn. This may not have been the lesson I should have learned, but it appears to be the one I did.
At any rate, I was doing a very good job of this. I was letting my scalp heal on its own and resisting every itch that passed over it.
About half through a five hour marathon of meetings today, I excused myself to the restroom. Upon catching a glimpse of my reflection, I froze in horror. The entire strip of skin killed by the sun had separated from my scalp and shifted roughly a centimeter to the right. I certainly hadn't left my apartment looking like this. I had no idea when it had happened. How long I'd looked like this.
I interviewed a prospective employee today. His PhD research won his adviser the Nobel Prize a few decades ago. This man has an equation named after him.
How humiliating.
It took forever, but I managed to make myself look presentable. I slid back into the meeting and avoided eye contact with everyone for the next several hours.
And next time I'll definitely remember to wear sunscreen
This isn't the first time I've neglected this part of my body. It's not even the worst. When I was fourteen I took a Disney Cruise in the Bahamas and got those cornrow braids (I was so cool when I was fourteen). Fifteen braids meant fourteen parts, none with sunscreen. It looked like I had dandruff for a week.
If I learned one thing from this experience, it's that you shouldn't scratch your head after you've gotten a massive sunburn. This may not have been the lesson I should have learned, but it appears to be the one I did.
At any rate, I was doing a very good job of this. I was letting my scalp heal on its own and resisting every itch that passed over it.
About half through a five hour marathon of meetings today, I excused myself to the restroom. Upon catching a glimpse of my reflection, I froze in horror. The entire strip of skin killed by the sun had separated from my scalp and shifted roughly a centimeter to the right. I certainly hadn't left my apartment looking like this. I had no idea when it had happened. How long I'd looked like this.
I interviewed a prospective employee today. His PhD research won his adviser the Nobel Prize a few decades ago. This man has an equation named after him.
How humiliating.
It took forever, but I managed to make myself look presentable. I slid back into the meeting and avoided eye contact with everyone for the next several hours.
And next time I'll definitely remember to wear sunscreen
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Where do I go from here?
I'm 24 with a top-notch education, a wonderful boyfriend, and a great job that could easily become a career. I'm living "the dream", but I don't think I want it. I don't think this is my dream. And I have no idea how to figure out what my dream is, or how to go about chasing it down.
I know how I got here. I basically fell into this life through a combination of luck, opportunity, intelligence, and a complete lack of goals. I took a lot of math and science classes in high school because these subjects were easy for me. This led me to Harvey Mudd College where I majored in physics because... Well, because it was more interesting than math and easier than chemistry. It had fewer requirements than any of the other majors which meant more time for electives.
By my senior year I was tired of it. Quantum mechanics frustrated me. General relativity confused me. Electromagnetism made me want to bang my head against a wall, which I actually did at least once a week. I hated everything I was studying and dealt with it by drinking far too much and smoking more. I remember thinking that if I had to do it over again, I'd major in history or literature. Because what's the point of understanding the universe if we can't even understand each other? With only one semester to go, I realized that the best option was to stick it out. So at 21 I graduated with a BS in physics, and the only thing I knew was that I didn't want a PhD in it.
After months of job hunting, applying, interviewing, and being rejected, I discovered a small company that did cognitive modeling research. Cognitive modeling is equal parts computer science, artificial intelligence, and psychology. It seemed like a good fit. At least I was shifting towards understanding other people while still using my very expensive education.
So that's the field I'm in now, though my job is a bit less psychology and a bit more computer science. Everyone I work with has an MS or a PhD in some field related to this. They're starting to pressure me to get one, too. Except I don't want another degree. The idea of going back to school repels me. I don't even know what I would study. I love to read. I love learning about people. So I'd be drawn, once again, to history or literature. Neither of these degrees is exactly related to my job. Psychology or sociology would be a good compromise. Do I want to base my career on a compromise?
The problem really is that I have a dream job, but it isn't my dream job. I have great colleagues, flexible work hours, interesting problems to solve, and the freedom to pursue a variety of different types of work. But I'm not passionate about it.
So where do I go from here? Do I keep my wonderful job, with it's steady pay and benefits? Do I look for something else to do? Do I bite the bullet and head back to school, pushing off other dreams of a house and kids?
The only solid answer I've really gotten is "start a blog". So that's what I'm doing. This is my place to figure out who I am and what I want out of life. I don't know what exactly will end up in here. I don't know if anyone will even read it. But I'm going to try and stick to it. Hopefully I'll figure out my life in the process.
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