What's Mine Is Yours

On the one hand, money all gets combined the moment you sign the marriage certificate. That's one of the main points of marriage: combining your assets. You get some tax breaks (depending on how much money you make) and you become liable for each other and all the money you make or spend is in the same pot.

On the other hand, it's a lot more complicated than that from a practical standpoint. And an emotional one.

Money was always a fraught issue with my dad. Moreso as I got older and started caring more. This peaked in college, when it seemed like every fight we had came down to money. Then I graduated and got a job and disentangled myself as much as I could. I bought my car from him and got off the family phone plan sooner than anyone else I know. I never asked him for another cent, even when I lost my job, and our relationship started improving.

So I've got some baggage around the idea of combining finances with someone. Even someone with whom I've already combined literally every single other aspect of my life. There's a feeling of independence that comes with making and managing your own money, and I've been loathe to give it up.

But that's part of marriage.

Lucky for me, Kevin and I have very similar views when it comes to money. We make about the same amount. We save and spend about the same amount. We value the same things. Money isn't something we've ever fought about. But even with someone on the same page as me, it's scary to relinquish some of that control.

So it took over a year of marriage for us to broach the subject of a joint account and start taking steps to combine all of our assets.

And then you have to deal with all of the headaches and decisions that come with that. Which bank should we choose? How much money do we want in each account? Which credit card should we get for shared purchases? What's the difference between a joint account and an authorized user and how much does it matter? All in all, I think we've talked about money more in the last month than we did in all the previous five years of living together. Which is a good thing. It's nice to get reassurance that we're on the same page and be forced to do some more research when we aren't.

But once those decisions are made, it's not like the stress just goes away. I'm a bit of a control freak, and this mostly plays itself out in how I manage my money (and my kitchen, ask anyone who's attempted to do the dishes in my house). I don't have any of my bills set up to auto-pay, because it would just cause me more stress, checking every few hours to see if the money has been transferred yet. Hell, I get stressed when a statement shows up a day late because of a holiday. I get used to paying it on the same day every month and having to wait throws me off.

So you can imagine how stressed I've been with everything currently up in the air. You open the new account and transfer enough money to get things started. But you have to leave enough money in the other accounts to avoid fees. Because it can take a month for direct deposits to get switched over successfully, and closing the old account too soon will just exacerbate the problem. Money disappears for a day or two while it's being transferred, and I always have a moment of panic before I remember where that money is. Mint's notifications aren't really helping with this stress.

I just have to tell myself that it will all settle down soon. The new accounts will be funded, the old ones closed. Everything will get transferred over and we'll end up with a much more complete picture of our financial lives. In the meantime I'll keep taking deep breaths.

One Year

This weekend Kevin and I celebrated an entire year of being married. We decided to clear our schedules and just spend a low-key day together, cooking and watching TV. We made french toast for breakfast and lamb with roast potatoes for dinner. We drank mimosas in the morning and wedding brandy in the evening. We also defrosted the cake that's been in our freezer for the past year and dutifully ate a slice each before trashing the rest of it. Freezer cake may be the stupidest tradition.

I guess at this point other people would write something poetic about marriage or commitment or love. The truth is, the celebration felt a little arbitrary. It was nice to have a reason to put aside a day. Especially since Kevin's been out of town for most of the past month. But it's also new and a little weird. We've been together for a long time now. We've been living together for nearly five years, during which time we bought a house, adopted a dog, and basically figured out how to live together. Sot he one year anniversary mostly brought up feelings of "it's only been a year?"

Regardless, it was a good day. It's nice to have an excuse to buy presents for Kevin in the Spring, when grilling and biking accessories are actually available in stores. It's nice to have a day to celebrate our relationship. I'm sure that as we get more of these under our belts I'll become more accustomed to the whole idea of an anniversary.

Valentine's Day

We had a perfectly perfect Valentine's Day this year. Well almost perfectly perfect.

I woke up with a runny nose thanks to a cold that I seem to have had forever. I worked my way steadily through most of a box of tissues before I started feeling better. Then we ran to the store to pick up stuff for dinner and spent the rest of the day being sort of lazy and not leaving the house.

By sort of lazy, I actually mean that we made ravioli. It wasn't difficult, but it took a while. Mostly because you can only work with so much of the dough at once. So you have to go through all the steps of rolling out the dough, spooning in the filling, and cutting and smushing together the ravioli a whole bunch. We also didn't have a special stamp or cutter, which may have made the whole process go a little faster.

I also made a different, and completely superior, tomato sauce from scratch. It was beyond easy (throw everything in the pot and let it simmer for 45 minutes) and I'm looking forward to making it again.

We played games and watched tv and I finished my book and napped. And then it snowed at exactly the right time to walk Kina through the snow. I love walking Kina through the falling snow, partly because she loves it even more than I do and partly because the ambient light gets reflected enough that I don't need a flashlight. Also I don't need to towel her off afterwards, like I do when it's rainy or muddy (most of Winter and Spring).

It was a great day overall and I'm glad we decided to mostly stay put in the house.

Coming Together

We're definitely in the homestretch now.

We've written names on all the place cards and packed up boxes with things that we need to take to the venue for the weekend.

We've paid all of the vendors except the photographer who will get paid at the wedding.

We're bought all the music and pulled together a playlist.

Kevin has his tuxedo and I'm picking up my dress on Friday morning. I wore my wedding shoes to work on Tuesday to help break them in. Now I'm reconsidering wearing shoes at the wedding, because Jesus Christ did those shoes hurt after an hour. Okay, I won't really walk down the aisle barefoot. I have a plan to stretch them out, and I have a pair of backup shoes in case the fails miserably, and I was honestly planning to be barefoot for most of the reception anyway. 4-inch heels or no shoes at all is basically how I roll these days.

All of the presents are wrapped and packed up in the aforementioned boxes.

Champagne for morning-of mimosas has been bought. As has orange juice.

Family members are beginning to arrive.

At this point I believe we've covered everything that we need or want to. A few guests who are coming in from out of town have yet to book rooms at the venue, but I figure that they're adults and nagging them about it is not my problem.

I've finally, finally reached a state of zen. After months of stress dreams and randomly waking up to wonder about this or that detail, I'm letting it all go. There will be good food and music and plenty of alcohol. There will be good friends and family who will continue to love us no matter what. As long as Kevin and I are married by the end of the weekend, it will have been a success. Because that's ultimately the only metric you can use to measure a wedding.

So now it's time to relax and visit with all the people that I don't get to see often enough.

Oh. And write my vows. Fuck.

Alumni Weekend: The Proposal

I had to save the highlight of Alumni Weekend until the end. Kevin proposed to me on Friday night, ensuring that it would be one of the best weekends of my life.

Kevin and I started dating about halfway through our senior year at Mudd - right after football season ended. Although we spent a lot of time together and fell in love during our last few months in college, we had agreed that the relationship would end when college did. We would be living in different states (Colorado and Virginia) and looking for jobs. If we found work in the same city that would be wonderful, but we decided to prioritize our careers above our relationship.

After graduation I got in my car, newly single, and began the long drive home.

It took about a week for us to realize that we hadn't really succeeded at breaking up. We were still talking every day and before long we were making plans to visit each other while we continued to apply and interview for jobs. Since we were still both looking locally, we soon found jobs in our respective states.

By the fall it seemed like the long-distance thing was going to be indefinite. We broke things off again, because it seemed like a long distance relationship would be too hard to maintain. We kept in touch but focused on creating separate lives.

Eventually we realized that however hard a long-distance relationship was, not being in a relationship at all was even harder. Kevin came to visit Colorado in June, and we began seeing each other more regularly again. About a year after we'd called things off we decided to give it another go. It wasn't too much longer before I moved out to Virginia and found work in DC.

When we got back to Mudd on Friday, Danielle made a comment about the last time she'd been back at North Dorm, and I promptly stuck my foot in my mouth by reminding Kevin that the last time I'd been there we had broken up. I felt bad, but my comment did remind him to go back to the hotel and grab the ring he'd bought.

Later that night we bought beer for the current residents of the dorm and decided to play some beer pong. After we'd set up our side and were waiting for Danielle and Eric to finish pouring their beer, Kevin told me he had to show me something. He took me back behind the dorm where he said "This is where we met. It's where we fell in love. And it's where we broke up. We should never do that again." Then he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him.

In true North style, we immediately went back to play some beer pong. We lost the game, possibly because I was too excited to really concentrate on it (that's my story and I'm sticking to it). Then word of our engagement began spreading among our class.

I'm really happy we were able to tell so many people in person and celebrate with everyone. On Saturday night Danielle organized a surprise engagement party, which of course included more beer pong. The entire evening was perfectly reminiscent of the countless nights we spent playing beer pong and hanging out in North Dorm. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect engagement story.

Three Weeks

After a summer when, despite buying a house together, it felt like we had reverted to a long-distance relationship, there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel. Boyfriend just left for another three weeks in Alabama. But at the end of that he should be home for good.

Since the beginning of June, Boyfriend has spent most of his time in Alabama. All of June, three weeks in July, one in August, four weeks in September, and one week in October. We managed to get weekends together here and there, most of which had been planned vacations. We visited friends and attended a couple of weddings. We spent a week in August on the lake and moved into our new house. But mostly we haven't really had much time to just hang out. To establish a routine in the new house and just live our lives.

In three weeks that should be over. He should be home for good and we can hang out without running all over the country to visit friends. There's another wedding, a few more trips with friends, and the family filled holidays to round out the year. But we'll have the weeks. Evenings after work and time to watch Community and eat dinner and stuff.

Three more weeks.

I can do this.