On the one hand, money all gets combined the moment you sign the marriage certificate. That's one of the main points of marriage: combining your assets. You get some tax breaks (depending on how much money you make) and you become liable for each other and all the money you make or spend is in the same pot.
On the other hand, it's a lot more complicated than that from a practical standpoint. And an emotional one.
Money was always a fraught issue with my dad. Moreso as I got older and started caring more. This peaked in college, when it seemed like every fight we had came down to money. Then I graduated and got a job and disentangled myself as much as I could. I bought my car from him and got off the family phone plan sooner than anyone else I know. I never asked him for another cent, even when I lost my job, and our relationship started improving.
So I've got some baggage around the idea of combining finances with someone. Even someone with whom I've already combined literally every single other aspect of my life. There's a feeling of independence that comes with making and managing your own money, and I've been loathe to give it up.
But that's part of marriage.
Lucky for me, Kevin and I have very similar views when it comes to money. We make about the same amount. We save and spend about the same amount. We value the same things. Money isn't something we've ever fought about. But even with someone on the same page as me, it's scary to relinquish some of that control.
So it took over a year of marriage for us to broach the subject of a joint account and start taking steps to combine all of our assets.
And then you have to deal with all of the headaches and decisions that come with that. Which bank should we choose? How much money do we want in each account? Which credit card should we get for shared purchases? What's the difference between a joint account and an authorized user and how much does it matter? All in all, I think we've talked about money more in the last month than we did in all the previous five years of living together. Which is a good thing. It's nice to get reassurance that we're on the same page and be forced to do some more research when we aren't.
But once those decisions are made, it's not like the stress just goes away. I'm a bit of a control freak, and this mostly plays itself out in how I manage my money (and my kitchen, ask anyone who's attempted to do the dishes in my house). I don't have any of my bills set up to auto-pay, because it would just cause me more stress, checking every few hours to see if the money has been transferred yet. Hell, I get stressed when a statement shows up a day late because of a holiday. I get used to paying it on the same day every month and having to wait throws me off.
So you can imagine how stressed I've been with everything currently up in the air. You open the new account and transfer enough money to get things started. But you have to leave enough money in the other accounts to avoid fees. Because it can take a month for direct deposits to get switched over successfully, and closing the old account too soon will just exacerbate the problem. Money disappears for a day or two while it's being transferred, and I always have a moment of panic before I remember where that money is. Mint's notifications aren't really helping with this stress.
I just have to tell myself that it will all settle down soon. The new accounts will be funded, the old ones closed. Everything will get transferred over and we'll end up with a much more complete picture of our financial lives. In the meantime I'll keep taking deep breaths.
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