Fail Better

 There's this quote I come across every now and then. One of those inspirational mantras that gets recycled over and over.

Ever Tried? Ever Failed? No Matter. Try Again. Fail Again. Fail Better.

It's from Samuel Beckett, who you probably first encountered in a high school English class. One of the greats. Of course his words are inspiring.

But once words are out there, they're open to interpretation. The intent of the reader matters as much as the intent of the author, at least when it comes to finding meaning. Which is why everything means something different to everyone.

Anyway, this year I've decided to fail better by failing deliberately. I decided not to finish my book club's first pick of the year. I set a Goodreads goal of 100 books, then promptly picked up a 650 page book. I can't quite shed my identity as someone who reads 100 books a year, even though I know on some level that I can't currently read 100 books a year. Maybe someday I'll be back to 100 books a year like it's nothing. Maybe I'll never get back there. Who knows what the future will bring. For now, deciding that I'm not going to read 100 books feels easier than deciding that I am going to read 50 or 75 books.

Life has been pretty disappointing lately. Both in big ways and small. I've gotten myself in a rut over the past few months, and I'm having a hard time shaking myself out of it. It doesn't help that all the plans I make lately get thwarted. By COVID or snow or something else outside of my control. It's demoralizing, this chafing up against circumstances that I can't change.

I've always had a tendency to get stuck. My routines keep me going when life gets hard. They also trap me. Kevin was good at shaking me out of it. He brought spontaneity to my life. He made me brave. But he's not here now, and for the sake of our kids I have to find a way to do it on my own.

I've been failing at so many things for so long. But most of it's been out of my control. So I'm flipping the script and embracing it.

It already seems to have jogged something loose.