Once again summer has come and gone and I've barely updated this blog. Okay, I haven't written at all. I've mostly managed to keep up with my book blog, but even that has been something of a chore. I go in bursts, writing five or six reviews at once before letting them pile up again.
I suppose this isn't entirely unprecedented. I've had dry spells with this blog before and always managed to come back to it. But none were this long. And I'm left wondering if something fundamental has changed.
The thing is that I want to write. There a bunch of things I keep meaning to blog about: our trips to Alaska, Lake Anna, and Charleston. My first night away from Gavin. All of the cool things Gavin is doing. My feelings about being a parent and what has changed and what hasn't. But first off, it's almost impossible to find time to sit with my computer anymore. And second off, whenever I do find the time, I end up just staring a blank document for a while before I click away to Facebook. It doesn't matter how many entries I compose in my head, the second I find time to write it all flees.
But I've found the time now. The question is whether this is a resurrection or a death rattle. Will I keep going, or will this blog stand as a memorial to a former chapter in my life. Can I find the time and effort to maintain it or should I just let it go?
As much as I've neglected it lately, I'm not ready to stop just yet. I've made some changes in my life that I'm hoping will let me get back to blogging. I've started taking the train to work again instead of driving. It's a slightly longer commute, but it gives me more time to read. That should give me some time back overall - if I'm reading on the train every day maybe I won't be compelled to pick up a book every time I find myself with an extra twenty minutes. I'm also adjusting my work schedule - moving up to five 6-hour days instead of three. Gavin will be in daycare full time, I'll be working more, but I think I might actually end up with more free time. I'll have two extra afternoons a week without Gavin, and that time is way more reliable than his naps.
It's true that parenthood changes you in unexpected ways. I'm much more willing to go out now, to sacrifice a little sleep because I know I can. I was out with neighbors until 11 last Wednesday, and I have tickets to a weekday concert with my brother later in September. It will be my first concert since college, and I'm actually looking forward to it. Maybe because, without Gavin along, it will actually feel more like a night off than a night on.
I'm also more organized - I have to be. I'm better at staying on top of the housework, because I'm so scared of falling behind on it. I'm worse at sleeping but better at functioning on less sleep. Now that I'm sharing all of my food with Gavin, I think I'm eating better, but I'm also trying not to worry about it too much. More fruits and veggies, sure, but there's nothing wrong with the occasionally deep-fried or smothered-in-cheese meal.
With all these changes, I'm hoping that my desire to write sticks with me. I still have dreams and goals in that direction, though they seem a bit farther off now than they did a year or two ago. Right now my biggest goal is to finish my DS9 rewatch before the new Star Trek series premieres, and I'm not sure I'll be able to. Twelve episodes in three and a half weeks should be a piece of cake, but carving out that time is proving tricky. Especially since I've started playing the new Zelda game and am devoting every spare minute to that. But Kevin's taking it with him on his next business trip, and I'll need something to fill the void.
So this is where we stand. There are a million things I want to write about. Thoughts and feelings and records. I want to get them down before they slip away for good. I also want to enjoy every minute with my kid while I can. I'll find the balance. I'm finding it every day.
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