Things That Will Happen When You Visit NYC

You'll download this Uber thing that everyone has been talking about to use but discover that you are too drunk to figure it out

You'll go out to a nice dinner and order the second cheapest bottle of wine on the menu, which costs more than that most expensive bottle at restaurants you usually frequent

The next day you'll discover a bar where you drink steadily for 5 hours for a mere $35. This seems like a fair trade.

You'll spend a lot of time looking at pictures of the kids of people you went to school with and wonder how many people you graduated with have procreated by now. You'll spend even more time looking at pictures from college and immediately after.

You'll spend half an hour waiting for a brunch table for a party of four. And another half an hour waiting for your food.

Somehow, you'll still think you'll be able to find a brunch place that can easily accommodate ten people the next morning.

You'll wander wistfully through the enormous Barnes and Noble at Union Square, wishing your own city had a bookstore this big.

You'll discover shakshuka and fall in love and look up a recipe and realize that it's actually easy to make.

You will be sitting on the subway, minding your own business, wondering if you're awake and sober enough to concentrate on your book when a couple of guys will burst in, take off their shirts, and start pole dancing. You're still not sure if it was entertaining or annoying.

You'll spend the entire weekend feeling like you're just on the verge of figuring out the subway system. But then another station will be closed for weekend work and you'll be forced to walk the entire length of Times Square, cursing your lack of local knowledge.

You will, however, have left 45 minutes early for brunch in case that happened.

You will have the most delicious steak you've had in a long time, along with the most delicious spinach you've had in probably your entire life, and you'll spend the next hour with a mystery stomachache wondering what the hell caused it. (Probably the roasted garlic, since it's the only thing you ate that your husband didn't.)

You'll discover that it's possible to live in NYC for several months without ever visiting the grocery store or opening your own fridge. You will be vaguely horrified.

You will have many, many conversations with many old, dear friends about everything under the sun and remember why you love them all and how glad you are that more of them are moving to the east coast each year.