Sometimes I Fail Being a Woman

A friend of mine is getting married in a few weeks. This has posed an interesting challenge for me that most people probably don't face when it comes to weddings. See, I don't wear make-up. I don't own it. I don't really know how to put it on. I can do stage makeup really well, thanks to years of performing, but that's a bit much for people seeing you from closer than 20 feet.

One of the other bridesmaids can do most of my makeup for me, I just need to bring foundation. Which means I need to buy foundation. Which is far more complicated than I ever thought possible. Which is probably why I don't wear makeup.

I was at Target today grabbing a few things when I remembered that I needed foundation. I ventured down the beauty aisle to pick some up. Thankfully I watch enough TV to know what the basic brands are, so that part wasn't overwhelming. Everything else was.

There was an entire wall of vaguely skin-shade makeup. Some was in bottles, some in tubes, some in powders. Some of it might have been blush or eye shadow. Nothing actually said foundation. It did say SPF 15 or SPF 30. It said it made pores vanish. It said perfect fit or age-defying or acne-fighting. It said for oily skin or for dry skin. I'm guessing I should probably have some sense of whether my skin is particularly oily or dry. The fact that I don't makes me think I might be in the normal category. I'm not sure that category exists, though.

I quickly decided I needed help, so I paid for my purchases at Target and drove to the Ulta across the street. I also awarded myself 5 points for knowing that Ulta sold makeup (I went there once to get makeovers for a friend's 13th birthday.)

I walked in and was immediately greeted by a girl who seemed willing to help. I told her I needed foundation and she started asking me questions that didn't make sense. So I backed up to inform her that I don't wear makeup and don't know much about it, but my friend is getting married and I need some for the wedding.

She seemed okay with that and grabbed a bottle of foundation and a brush. She put some on my face and decided it was too dark for my skin. Of course it was the lightest shade that brand offered, so she switched brands and tried a new one. She painted half my face and declared it a success. Great!

Then she told me it was $40 a bottle.

$40 for something I'm going to wear once? I actually asked her this and she looked a bit ashamed of herself. I had told her this was a one-time deal. I was expecting something closer to $5.

She directed me to the other side of the store with the cheaper brands. The brands I recognized. But she warned me that it's harder to match skin tone since they don't have testers. She suggested I buy one and, if after a few days I didn't like it, to return it. I didn't bother explaining, again, that this wasn't for daily wear.

At Ulta, the cheap brand section was about three times as big as at Target. I gave up and left.

The new plan is to go to the CVS on the way to work on Monday and buy the lightest shade of the cheapest brand. If it ends up being too dark, I'll just have to go without foundation. I'm sure the photographer can remove my pores in post-production if necessary. They have that technology now, right?